Enough hate to power the corrupt engine of the world.

Page 2. The flow continues. Watch for seepage.

Yesterday, I caught my husband in bed with my sister. I kicked my sister out, and told my husband I wanted a divorce. He explained he only cheated on me because my sister is into hardcore skullfucking, and I am not. I still love him, and I don't really want to divorce him. How can I curb his vile skullfucking urges?

Oh shit.. I think he got the dog...OH MY GOD..! SPOT!!

No Skullfucking! In Seattle.

No Skullfucking! In Seattle,

Honey, it sounds like you need a new dog.

Oh, and a new husband.
 
 

How do I get rid of those tiny little Cheasapeak Bay blue crabs that crawl around on the ol' sack at night?

Methodical.

Methodical,

They're blue? *takes a peek* Chrissake, THEY ARE!

Well I'll be damned.
 
 

I have a fantasy about using diet cream soda as an enema for my Master. How do I convince him to bend over and take it like a man?

Enema Queen in Essex.

Enema Queen in Essex,

Diet? Man, that's just all kinds of wrong.

Shove a dreamsicle in his ass to start. THEN work your way up to diet. You can't start out all hardcore like that and just expect him to go
along with it.
 
 

I left my heart in San Francisco. How long will it take for Fed Ex to get it back to me?

Huge Gaping Hole In Chest. In Hospital.

Huge Gaping Hole In Chest. In Hospital,

Well, that would depend on what priority you put on the package. Then your package has to navigate the delicate system that is the United States Postal Service industry.
 
 

I have a bizarre sexual fantasy about wrestling in red Jello with my priest, and then deflowering all of the nuns with the lit business end of a candle in front of the entire congregation. Is this normal?

Eager in Evanston.

Eager in Evanston,

The red jello is obviously an indicative sign that you're about to 'have the painters in', if ya know what I mean...and I think ya do. As to deflowering all the nuns, that's your PMS talking.

Go out, get yourself a new dress and a shotgun...12ga, then hunt all those lyin' bitches down. 'God's Penguin's" should be made to suffer, obviously.

Best of luck to you!
 
 

I am a crossdresser who dresses like the hot babe that I am to attract men. I met the most handsome man ever last night and took him home. The problem is that HE is actually a SHE. The sex was fantastic but I don't know what to do now as I think I like women now but only if they dress like men. Help me please bitchy advice lady

Pretty in pink in Portland.

Pretty in pink in Portland,

Hmm...that's a tough one. Perhaps you should lure this new 'beau' out into the compost heap in the back of the next door neighbor's yard...club 'him' with the business end of a clawhammer, making sure to cover the entirety of the body up so as to avoid those pesky policemen you keep taking home...then get yourself a perm. Nothing spells success like a new hairdo. You'll be back to sucking dick in no time.
 
 

So this morning, I was snorting some coke, and just enjoying my gay porn movie, "E-Z Boys" and after about the 4th line, my dick went limp, and I couldn't get it up again. I also noticed that I couldn't feel my arms and legs anymore, but that is beside the point. How am I supposed to enjoy my gay porn if I can't get it up!!?? Help!

Limp Mickey in Los Angeles.

Limp Mickey in Los Angeles,

It sounds like getting it up is the least of your worries, 'Mickey'. The real problem comes when the rotting smell from your days old corpse begins drawing all the bugs and vermin that live in your neighborhood to your doorstep.

Unless you have cats.

Then it'll be MUCH worse.
 
 

Is it true that humans can only breathe underwater for a few minutues? It just that we strapped lead weights to my mate Dave and he's been in our lake for a couple of weeks now. He doesn't seem to need to come back up.

Swimming in Surrey.

Swimming in Surrey,

That's because once they 'acclamatize' to the water, via the lead weights, people acquire the magical ability to live quite happily at the bottom of lakes, oceans and riverbeds. Can you just imagine the wonderland of all those little fishies bringing you food and candies as you slack away in the cold darkness? I bet it's a hoot.

Try it yourself sometime.

You'll be glad that you did!
 
 

I've had an odd craving for scat tacos lately, but I can't seem to find a good recipe for them. Can you help me out?

Taco Lover in Tuscaloosa.

Taco Lover in Tuscaloosa,

Sure...here's my loony old Aunt Ida's recipe:

1 cup p00p
4 taco shells encrusted with lye
1 head of week old lettuce that's been left in the trash bin behind Barney's Bar down the street
2 green, fuzzy tomatoes
1 block of green, fuzzy sharp cheddar cheese (sharp really does make ALL the difference, TRUST me.)

Insert p00p, lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, and perhaps some navel lint if you're feeling festive, and chow down! It's a taste treat that can't be beat.
 
 

My best fried Rover used to let me fuck his ass and he would fuck mine. It was the best, and things were really good until that fuckling poodle moved in next door. Now all Rover wants to do is fuck that poodle. What can I do?

Dogluver in Dallas.

Dogluver in Dallas,

The answer, my dear 'doglover' is obvious.

Kill the poodle.

Fucking damned frenchies think they run the planet. It'll do 'em some good to lose a dog on 'their side'.

Best of luck!
 
 

I have an unholy love for Dolphins. Please, how can I take my aquatic partner without him blowing the top of my head off when he orgasms?

Flustered in Fort Lauderdale.

Flustered in Fort Lauderdale,

Sounds like you haven't fucked many dolphins, pal. They're a quiet, sensual breed of creature that loves hours of foreplay before 'gettin' one past the goalie', as it were. Just take it nice and slow...and wear a clear plastic bag over your head. Make sure to tie it nice and tight so no water gets in.
 
 

I come from a nation in the south Pacific where we don't believe in divorce. What we do instaed is cook and eat our wives then we can marry again. Apparently there is some silly law here preventing this even though it is our religious way. What can I do?

Hungry in the Hamptons.

Hungry in the Hamptons,

Ooh...a difficult dilemma indeed. Do you at least throw up into some sort of grave when you're done consuming the bodies of your dead wives? If not, perhaps suggesting that to the town council might get a ruling past, and then you're golden!
 
 

When I'm having "intimate moments" with my husband, I can't help but think that the souls of my dead relatives are in the room watching. Is there any kind of spook resistant curtain I can get for a little more privacy?

Privacy in Pittsburg.

Privacy in Pittsburg,

Sadly, 'Spook-O-Vision' is full blown, sensoround, Dolby THX HOT BONE-O-MATIC ACTION for our dear departed friends. Give them a break! They're DEAD fer chrissakes. Let 'em get it where they can...everybody knows there's no sex in the afterlife.

There's also no sex in the champagne room...in case you were wondering.
 
 

I just recently got married for the seventh time. My problem is that my other six wives don't want the new one moving in with us because she is young and pretty. I haven't told them yet that she is bi. What should I do?

Confused in Colorado.

Confused in Colorado,

Bring your new lovely wife into a room in the house that's solely for her, decorated with a touch of whimsy and flair. Let her get used to it for a day or two, then send the wives in with grapefruit spoons.

Let nature take it's course.

If she survives the ordeal, best of luck to you. If not, get a lawyer. Or perhaps a dog.
 
 

Last month, I was feeling a little frisky at work, so I decided to sneak into the janitor's closet for a little self love. I really enjoy autoerotic asphyxiation, and I like to incorporate it into my masturbatory activities. Well, this particular tryst for one in the closet went awry.

I had a vacuum cleaner cord wrapped tightly around my neck, and was jerking off rather eagerly, and unexpectedly, I passed out. I fell against the door, and went right through the damn thing. I don't know how long I was out, but apparently it was long enough for my coworkers to get numerous pictures of me with a cord around my neck, and my dick in my hand. My boss advised me that if I want to keep my job, I should think twice before I go into the janitors closet to choke myself while I choke my chicken.

I've tried hard not to do it again, but it is more tempting than I can possibly stand! How can I fight off my urges, Bitchy Advice Lady?

Gasping for Satisfaction in Glasgow.

Gasping for Satisfaction in Glasgow,

If thine cock offends thee, rub it out in a bathroom stall. You can always try to pull your tie really tightly against your neck while you're standing precariously on the toilet, merrily wanking your daily cares away. If that doesn't work?

Quit and find a new job.

You hate that one anyway. They're too restrictive.
 
 

Can I send my first born virgin son as payment? He's 18, in good shape, but has a bit of acne. You can put a bag over his head.

Tammy in Tulsa

Tammy in Tulsa,

Lady, don't tell me about him, just jam him in a sack and SEND HIM ON!

I feel a POWERFUL hunger comin' on, and it's the weekend comin' up!
 
 

I have recieved a message from Satan to kill all of the first born sons in Jerusalem. He told me something about God trying to destroy me. Should I follow Satan's advice?

Bemused in Bethlehem

Bemused in Bethlehem,

I think you should go with it. That guy knows what he's talking about, no lie.

If he says God's out to get you, you can be damn sure that that's exactly what's going on.

GET TO SLAYING!
 
 

If a bear shits in the woods, does anyone complain to the local council?

Judgemental in Jellystone Park

Judgemental in Jellystone Park,

I sure as hell do.

I hate those furry motherfuckers. You think they could be more fastidious, like that nice little bear on those toilet tissue ads, but NOOO. They're goin' down, if I have anything to say about it.

Pick-a-nick basket stealing bitches.
 
 

I was rifling through my girlfriend's nightstand drawer while she was in the bathroom and came across naked pictures of her former boyfriend. She's always told me that size doesn't matter, but now I can't get those photos out of my mind, and I always feel she's comparing me to him. Last night I couldn't even get an erection.

What do I do?

Diminutive in Des Moines

Diminutive in Des Moines,

Two words:

Penile Enlargement. Get your j0nx updated, or she'll leave you for the guy with the freaky huge circus dick. Either that or cut her head off, put it in your fridge, and throw a bone in her mouth whenever you've 'got the urge'. Have fun with it. Get festive.

Wear a party hat or something.
 
 

What do you do when you hate your Dom's new black leather pants? Do you flat out tell him, "That isn't slimming you sausage-butt, beer-gutted bastard."

Grossed out in Grosse Point

Grossed out in Grosse Point,

I tend to go for the more passive-aggressive approach.

Get a small segment of his clothing and slice it to ribbons with a knife. Then act all flustered as if somebody broke in with the sole intention of violating his personal wardrobe.

This can be useful if you want to direct his ire at somebody you're not particularly fond of...say, the IRS man. Or the guy that comes to read the gas meter.
 
 

In the lab, we have a rubber squeaky lizard mascot affectionately named "Spike".

In the last few weeks, Spike has changed....he used to sit silently atop a chemical analyzer, spiked collar on his neck, joint hanging out of his mouth. A few days ago however, his joint was gone and his feet were bound with gum bands. The next day...he wore cuffs and a gag. Today he had on the cuffs and gag and was holding a whip! At first i though he was a subbie lizard, but now the whip??? Do you think Spike is a switch? Is it possible to have a D/s relationship of this nature? What are the possible ramifications?

Lust for Lizard

Lust for Lizard,

A tricky thing, those rubber squeaky lizard mascots. They're always getting up to all kinds of slutty nonsense. The one thing you can count on with those creatures is that they'll constantly keep you guessing. I wouldn't be surprised if you found him giving you the eye in the near future.

Flush him down the toilet. That'll teach his sneaky, plastic ass.

If the relationship was meant to be, he'll find his way back to you. If so, just make sure you wash him first before engaging in anything.
 
 

So there I was, tied to the wall with motor oil smeared all over me when she walks in with a saddle, jumper cables, a chicken, a weedeater and a jar of peach preserves. When I explained I was a strict vegan she freaks out. How do I patch this?

Martial

Martial,

It sounds like she's really committed to having the chicken involved. Perhaps it could be a voyeuristic participant? That way you wouldn't have to have any sexual contact with it.
 
 

So I take my Dom friend to the flippin' hospital and the bastard is yelling at me because they aren't giving him enough drugs. How do I keep him from ripping out his IV and pinching me when he gets frustrated?

Berserk in Berkeley

Berserk in Berkeley,

Perhaps this is one of those times in your relationship where tough love is needed.

Do you have access to a hammer? Leeches and hammers were medical staples over a hundred years ago because they were so very effective. Think of it as 'blunt force trauma' anesthesia.

A spoonful of hammer helps the bitchy dom go down.
 
 

My new wife and I were married just two weeks ago. While dating we agreed to hold off on any sex until our wedding night, because of how special that sort of intimacy is. On our wedding night, when she undressed...well, all I can say is who let the Rogaine out of the bottle. I mean...I've never seen so much hair. She must have seen the shocked look on my face, and perhaps I let a gasp or some now forgotten utterance escape my lips...but I was obviously taken aback.

I suggested we break out the razor, and she took offense. Needless to say, the night wasn't what I had planned, and it ended with the rather cryptic comment on her part that most of her former boyfreinds found it sexy...

Now I'm wondering is she was as chaste as I had imagined...

Do I have issues?

Wondering in Walla Walla.

Wondering in Walla Walla,

Perhaps you should start calling her pet names, like 'Henrietta the Ape Woman of Berlin' or 'Neanderslut'. Maybe that'd get you into the proper mood for fucking the samsonite gorilla that lives between her thighs.
 
 

What is the proper protocol for displaying your latest skull fuck victim? I used an eye so I could get in some occuilingist stuff and cross that off my checklist when Aiken puts that on there.

So do I put a patch on it or do I let him ooze for other's pleasure?

Curious in Cupertino.

Curious in Cupertino,

Let's face it. Everybody loves ooze. It's sexy.

Especially if it's seepage.

Try to get a jaunty hat to offset it. It's a daring fashion statement that few are capable of carrying off well.
 
 

Is it wrong to use endangered animal skulls for jewelery? I just want something small to use as a bellybutton jewel. Any suggestions?

Skull Lover in Sacramento.

Skull Lover in Sacramento,

It's only wrong if *they* CATCH you. Perhaps the skull of a vole or a smallish shrew would do? You could always dangle festive colorful feathers from a pygmy bird from it.
 
 

Recently I had a fight with one of the voices, but after repeatedly beating my head with a baseball bat, another voice said I was just hurting myself (but I still think I won that fight) and that I needed help. I went to see a psychologist and he told me I suffered from attention deficit syndrome, intermentant explosive disorder, and was schzophrenic with nilistic, suicidal, and homicidal tendacies so I killed him. My question is, do ribbed condoms really add to "her" pleasure?

Lookin to Please in Loisville.

Lookin to Please in Loisville,

Sadly, no.

Kill yourself now. That's what the voices in my head are telling me to tell you to do.

Oh, and send me all the money you currently have in your bank account. Sim sim sala bim.
 
 

I honestly can't stop laughing at pwincesses 'I don't like jazz' joke. I almost burst into hysterics tonight in yoga class. Help me!

Gigglin' in Wisconsin.

Gigglin' in Wisconsin,

Direct intervention from the Bitchy Advice Lady is expensive, young man. I require a blood sacrifice of three cows, a chicken, four pelicans and a half dozen chocolate glazed donuts with sprinkles.

You could also appease me by leaping out of a third story window, landing in an empty swimming pool lined with carpet tacks.

SALLY FORTH, young man!