Enough hate to power the corrupt engine of the world.

Page 3. A deluge of yammering p00p. Color me surprised that there were so many responses.

I want to re-enact the scene from Excalibur in the armor. What is the best accessory? An ax or a sword?

Armed in Amsterdam.

Armed in Amsterdam,

The best accessory is fire. Applied directly to your left foot. For about a half hour. Season to taste.

After a hearty meal, get thee a sword, valiant soldier.

Best of luck to you!
 
 

I am not sure what to do. I really wanted to take my boy friend to the prom, since I was hoping to get lucky, but his parents won't let him go anywhere. I tried asking my uncle for advice, since he is pretty understanding. But my uncle told my parents what I was planning and now both my brother and I are both grounded.

Wondering in W Virginia.

Wondering in W Virginia,

Do what everybody else does in a tenuous situation like this.

Kill that stoolie uncle.

That'll teach that fucker to tattle on you.

And yes, I know what you're thinking. Blood *CAN* be used as a lubricant, but you've got to work quickly. Nobody likes the friction that coagulation causes.

Best of luck to you!
 
 

I have tried everything I can think of to get my husband to help around the house but he refuses to even help dry the dishes or mow the lawn once a month. I was considering cutting him off from sex, but I was afraid that if I did, it would really not so much punish him as the dog.

Zoophile in Philly.

Zoophile in Philly,

Begin a torrid affair with that sexy guy with the New York cabbie accent next door. I've seen the way he looks at you when you wear that tight bathrobe out every sunday morning when you collect the paper. Tap that ass, and see if HE won't do you household chores.

Failing that, get rid of the dog.
 
 

I was trying to spice up my sex life but it did not work out. I had heard some folks use vegetables or fruits as sex toys and then eat them with their lovers. My husband and I tried to pick something sexy but the carrot and cucumbers were gone, so we used a locally available fruit thinking the sweet fruit would be tasty afterwords, but it did not seem suitable.

Do you have any suggestions for the treatment of intralabial lacerations?

Hurt in Hawaii.

Hurt in Hawaii,

Sharp, pointy plants don't go in your pussy, no matter how alluring they seem at the time. Didn't you learn this shit in grade school?

Your mother would be ashamed. In fact, I'm calling her right now...

You are SO in trouble.
 
 

I am one of the unfortunate souls on this earth to have been cursed with a micropenis. I haven't had a steady girlfriend in 14 years, because every time I get ready to you know.. do it with a girl, I always get laughed at, and they walk out on me. My mom says that if they cut an inch off, it'd leave a scar on my ass.

Tell me, BAL, is there any hope for me?

Teeny Tim in Toronto.

Teeny Tim in Toronto,

Perhaps if you can convince people that it's a clitoris, your dates would be much more enriching.
 
 

My girlfriend has been driving me crazy with her constant bitching and nagging. I have been thinking of trying to kill her but that begs the question of what to do with the body. I figure I can store her till spring in the snowbank but what if the police come looking? While the old 'acid bath' is the most reliable method, that pretty much means no more sex.

Confused in Calgary.

Confused in Calgary,

I have no idea what you're talking about. I know nothing about hiding bodies.

Who sent you? The cops? Is there a sign on my door that says 'Dead Girlfriend Storage?'
 
 

I have a biit opf a problem. I mastrubate too much. Wehn I say to much, I meann I do it soo much, it inteerferes with mydaily activites and repsonibilities. I can't go a signle moment without toching muself. I'mm masturbasting aas I typ this, even.. Howw can I curb myt errible sexual ugres?

Goddam, its hard to type wtih onf hanf..

Masturbating Maniac in Manitoba.

Masturbating Maniac in Manitoba,

You need a thorazine milkshake. It's full of all sorts of good 'non masturbatory' vitamins, like vitamin 'getcherhandoffhercockferchrissake' and vitamin 'holychristareyoustilltouchingthatfuckingthing?It'sbeenfourdaysalready'. Nummy.
 
 

I think I have precipitated a horrible misunderstanding. My son was at the table and refused to eat the refried beans because I did not prepare them his favorite way. I have been too tolerant of the boy, but I completely lost it for the first time and flew into a rage telling him to "fuckin eat the vegetables or I would kill him" He looked cowed and disgusted but said he would obey and left the table to my chagrin.

The next day I discovered he had sex with with my paralyzed grandparents before engaging in ritualistic cannibalism.

Testing the Last Taboo in Tulsa.

Testing the Last Taboo in Tulsa,

Make him eat the fucking beans, man. Seriously. That's the only thing that'll stop this kind of abberant behaviour.

You know how the old saying goes, "Beans, beans, good for the heart. The more you eat, the less you fuck your paralytic grandparents and engage in ritualistic cannibalism.
 
 

I seriously enjoy hardcore anal play, but I am having a hard time finding a partner who will participate with me. I don't think I will ever find a guy who enjoys the things I enjoy. What's so weird about sodomy with a ginger dildo, followed by a Sudden Death Sauce enema? Why can't guys be more open-minded?

Hot Buns in Helsinki.

Hot Buns in Helsinki,

Perhaps they're worried about the ramifications of ending up with a dead german tart with flames issuing forth from her pert rectum when the cops show up. For most guys, that's a real turn off.
 
 

So my ex Dom expects me to pay him back for money he spent on me while I was collared.

Should I torch his apartment or just spike him in the head with a sledge hammer?

Debtor in Des Moines.

Debtor in Des Moines,

Torch his car with all his stuff in it. It worked for that chick in that movie about all those chicks who were pissed at that one guy, remember? Very poignant movie, that one.
 
 

What do you do when some jerk comes in and changes the channel during your favorite program?

Couch Commando in Calumet City.

Couch Commando in Calumet City,

Offer politely to go get them a beverage. Once said beverage is ready, smile sweetly as you walk past them with it, heading towards the back of the television. Gingerly pour said beverage into the back of the television. When the crackling and popping have died down, you may then choose to toss the glass at their head.

Go crazy with it. Improvise if you have to, run if you must.
 
 

I have lead a very sheltered life. Recently I had sex for the very first time, and the girl put something called a "condom" on me and told me not to take it off or she would get pregnant. I haven't heard from her since then, and I don't want her to get pregnant, but I haven't taken a decent piss in 2 weeks! What do I do?!

Puddling in Pembroke.

Puddling in Pembroke,

One would imagine that the condom is quite full of urine at this point. Slowly slide it off, making sure to spill none of the precious yellow Vengeance Fluid.Then, when she's at work, walk by her desk grinning as you whip it at her head.Yelling, "TAG! YOU'RE IT!" will probably provoke a positive reaction. With this part of the mating ritual complete, you can then proceed to ask her out on another date. Don't be surprised if she hits you. That's her way of saying she's ready to ride your man loaf.

Enjoy your bright, shiny new relationship!
 
 

What is the best recipe for tuna salad?

Fishy in Fairbanks.

Fishy in Fairbanks,

Get two pieces of bread, thinly sliced, preferably wheat. Next, slide your underwear to just above your ankles. Apply a liberal application of...well, I think you can see where I'm going with this. Mix that together with mayonaisse, vinegar, cat chow and mango chutney, and VOILA! Best tuna salad ever.

Best of luck to you!
 
 

We met online ,and are now Realtime but now i still cant get him off the computer, besides unplugging it, what should i do?

ignored cyber slut.

ignored cyber slut,

I'm sorry, what was the problem? I wasn't listening.
 
 

How do I clean my monitor? It has various beverages and bits of food sprayed on it. Is there a screen gaurd or something I can get?

Filthy in Fresno.

Filthy in Fresno,

Do you have a dog? They just LOVE licking goo off of electronic equipment. Well, that and eating cat shit. I don't think that the ubiquitous *they* make a special brand of wipes for monitor spew due to 'an hilarious item found on the internet'.
 
 

I like to watch the news and think about having those newscasters on their knees for my pleasure. I want them to worship my toes and nibble up bits of lint that collect between my shrimpable digits when I get new socks. I believe they should trim my corns with their teeth.

How do I introduce this idea to Peter Jennings?

~nny.

~nny,

What famous people REALLY love, is when you show up at their place of work, looking all dishevelled and loony. That way you prove your worth as a REAL fan, not one of those nancey, namby pamby bitch fans that only get t-shirts and such. Also, vomitting on them is a nice, no-nonesense way of letting them know that you have something valuable to present to them. Nothing reassures a person in an eight thousand dollar suit more than getting sick up all over it.

Trust me on this.

You'll be glad you did.
 
 

I have a sick fascination with this thread. I get so gross-feeling reading through all the really iggy questions posed by your icky advice-seekers that I have to skip the nastiest bits, but then I keep reading and your answers have this kind of fascinating grotesque whimsy that just keeps pulling me back.. so I skim and giggle and almost upchu... and then skim some more. What do I do now?

Queasily Curious.

Queasily Curious,

Perhaps a bucket placed off to the side of your desk would help. Also, for maximum ick factor, you could always get a can of SPAM, set it on a windowsill for two months during the hot summer days, then open the can up and let the overwhelming stench of man-made carrion in a tin flood the room and your nostrils.

It realy does add to the experience.
 
 

I've been married for nine months and the sex has been pretty good, but now he wants me to roll over so he can take me in my "other hole"

Should I let him?

I do not really want to, since I am not sure if it is proper, but he said it is the only way to have children.

Greased in Greece.

Greased in Greece,

You should completely let him. Getting that 'serious deep dicking' in the secret pussy is indeed the only way to reproduce.

Christ, didn't you have this talk with your mother already? If so, go home and punch her in the face for giving you such unreliable sexual counselling.

She needs to learn social responsibility.
 
 

I have been married for 47 years now and sex has been pretty good for the most part. Lately however it has been pretty dull and somewhat routine. I have tried to spice it up by bringing toys, and erotic videos and accessories home. I have even gone so far as to take my wife out and have daring sex in public areas with her, running the risk of getting caught. But no matter what I do it just does not seem as good or as passionate as it was when she was alive. Any suggestions on how to rekindle that ole spark or am I doomed to boring sex from now on?

Sleepy in Seattle.

Sleepy in Seattle,

Has she been enbalmed, at least? Unless 'eau du rotting corpse' gets yer little red wagon goin', that is.

It is my professional opinion that you should try bringing a third in. Go dig up that little blonde number I saw you staring at last week, you know the one. Yeah, with the enormous bahubbas. Go get 'er, tiger.

Best of luck to you!
 
 

There are two Doms I really like. I cannot choose between them. I kind of like them both. I also have this fantasy about them tying each other up while I watch. I mean, wouldn't that be so hot? They could singletail each other while I keep score. Mmmmmm....

How would you get them to go for it?

Wanna Watch in Wells.

Wanna Watch in Wells,

Perhaps you should just stick to watching the pack of dogs that run around fucking and chewing on the carcass of that dead moose in your backyard. You'll have a better chance of seeing action that way, honey.

Besides, dogs behave. Doms...not so good with the behaving.
 
 

Sex with my wife has become almost repugnant.

She blames me for all that she could have been but wasn't...and I blame here for everything that I could have been but wasn't. We just blame each other for everything. Plus, after two kids, she has this loose "pooch" thing going on in the midrift area. If they were my kids, I might be a little more understanding about it. Our assests are hopelessly intertwined.

Should we divorce, or just fuck like rabbits on the side and pretend everything is okay?

The kids are in college now, so it's not like we have to deceive anyone else but each other...

Hankering in Hoboken.

Hankering in Hoboken,

End the charade, already - War of the Roses style. What you guys need is some good old fashioned revenge.

Make pate out of her cat.
 
 

I find your advice horrible at best! How dare you corrupt the minds of the young with such trash. Don't you know old people read this site? (I assume all the children are well behaved and close the windows, never seeing this.) You should be ashamed. I can't believe you gave out that horrid tuna recipe. Everyone knows tuna needs mayonaise, dill pickles, mustard and the hairball from a persian cat. You should be fired!

Complainer in Compton.

Complainer in Compton,

Shut yer cakehole and take your persian cat, skewer it and jam it up your 'johnny be good' hole sideways.

Criticize MY recipe for tuna salad, will you? You'll never buy beans in this town again!
 
 

My girlfriend is to die for. I've never experienced such unbridled and heartfelt lust froma woman. She willingly entertains my every lustfull desire. There's nothing she wouldn't do for, or with me.

I can't explain it...but she's just so fucking boring.

What do I really need?

Jaded in Jamestown.

Jaded in Jamestown,

Perhaps if you cut her head off and mounted it on one of those police lights you can get from a novelty joke shop, it would add a little pizzaz. The light emanating from her eyes and mouth would be entertaining, at the very least.

Either that, or have her kick you in the head.
 
 

So when I blow a bowl of the green I start thinking people are out to get me. I sometimes think I am seeing commericals on TV that indicate someone stoned would have the gumption to be a terrorist. Sometimes, I have these odd haullucinations that the president of the United States is some bad actor with a fake Texas accent (jeeeez who is he kidding?) who is personally declaring war on me and my herbal refreshment.

My question is how can I get some smokable that doesn't have the paranoia affect? Either that or should I shoot my TV?

~nny.

~nny,

Up the dosage...try adding PCP to the mix. That way you won't care as much.
 
 

How many chances would you give a man? I mean...Maybe it was just me....Well...actually, I don't think it was....but heh, I'm broke.

Under the circumstances, do you think he deserves a second chance? I mean, maybe that "bark like a dog" thing, and the pet food bowl was just a gross misunderstanding...

Open minded in Omaha.

Open minded in Omaha,

One...uh, two...ah three...*CRUNCH*

three.

That's how many licks it takes to get to the...

Oh, ah...chances? One. If he shits on my dachsund, it's over.

You have no IDEA how many times people have crossed that line. What was once a white dog with spots is now a fetid, brown monstrosity.

Poor Klaus.
 
 

Can I have your lovechild?

Eager Beaver in Bement.

Eager Beaver in Bement,

Sure. God knows *I'll* never birth the fucking thing. Where would you like the egg sent?

I'm sure I have an envelope around here somewhere...
 
 

I have a serious 80s fetish. I want to date a guy who still wears his hair in a mullet and plays in a Dance band. I want him to tour with his deadbeat friends. I think a drummer would be the best. They are usually kinky. I want to wear overly bright colors, too much make-up and very large hair. Oh and hide it all in layers so that I forget I am gaining weight in my old age. I want to drive a Rabbit.

Who can fulfill my fantasy?

Hopeful in Hopewell.

Hopeful in Hopewell,

Wow, that's actually so fucked up that I don't think I can honestly advise you properly.

That's just sick, man. *winces*
 
 

I object to your answer to the last person. Anyone can change given enough support and love. Even someone cool.

Understanding in Utah.

Understanding in Utah,

Perhaps the title "Bitchy Advice Lady" is lost on you.

I'm not the "Supportive, Loving Advice Lady", nor am I the "Earth Farty Touchy Feely Advice Lady".

Choke on cock.

Best of luck to you!
 
 

I'm thinking of placing an ad in the local personals section. Help me here...what sort of wording will get some response?

Clueless in Klackamas.

Clueless in Klackamas,

Diabetic, soulless viper with one eye and a permanent slouch from a hump that developed shortly after he was dropped on his head as an infant seeks same for felching and sodomizing with a makeshift Orca penis. BYOB. No drugs, tobacco, guns, or sense of humor please. My life is bereft of both emotion and entertainment, so I thrive on dining of the souls of the lesser beings that dwell in my apartment building.

Should you find yourself stimulated by my ad, please call the number listed at the top of the PERSONALS section.

I eagerly look forward to any and all responses.
 
 

If I copy that ad verbatim, must I include a disclaimer to the effect that these are your words? Or can I just perjure you shamelessly?

Clueless in Klackamas.

Clueless in Klackamas,

Perjure away. I'm sure you'll find the man/woman/infant/horse/cow of your dreams with that kind of ad. Look for immediate responses to begin flooding your voicemail box...

Best of luck to you!
 
 

Splenda, Sweet~N~Low or Equal?

Diabetic in Detroit.

Diabetic in Detroit,

Are you kidding? Everybody knows diabetics have to eat a pound of glucose a day to function properly. That pseudo sugar shit is for sissies that are trying to diet. Go HARDCORE, baby. It's what being Diabetic is all about! EXTREME DIABETES!

Screw all those doctors with their scary words and phrases like 'sugar crash' and 'coma'. What do they know? Nothing! That's why they call it 'practicing' medicine.
 
 

My girlfriend makes me feel so emasculated. I can't explain it. It has nothing to do with the fact that she earns more than me, or that she's taller than me, or that she is smarter than me....

I just can't put my finger on it...

All Thumbs in Tuscaloosa.

All Thumbs in Tuscaloosa,

Yeah...nothing at all to do with those things. It's not like you're a waste of six perfectly good pints of blood, or reams of skin, right?

Here's a helpful little exercise for you. Take your finger, turn it so that it points towards you and bring it slowly to your forehead. Once it makes contact, come to the sudden realization that you're a nebbish that can't possibly please a woman, or hope to keep one.

Then go drink some borax. That'll help ease the pain of self rejection.
 
 
 

Would you be so kind as to refresh our minds with what we are to do when our bondage partner stops breathing? I am concerned that I have an issue here.

Perplexed in Pueblo.

Perplexed in Pueblo,

First, one should drop one's jaw, twitching the right eye ever so slightly, in an almost palsied fashion. Then, usually, one should get up and leap around like a fraggle, waving one's arms about and squealing like Donald Sutherland at the end of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Getting tripped up on old laundry that just happens to be piled in the middle of the floor helps too. It provides entertainment for your partner who, by the way, is faking.

They always are, you know. Everybody knows that when people stop breathing their heads explode. An early indicator would be their nose turning bright red, then going purple. All basic medical facts.

Best of luck to you!
 
 

My Boss just came in and screamed at me to "do some F***ing work!!!"

How can I explain to my boss that this place is very hard work?!?

What would you do with a boss unsympathetic to your emotional needs?

Cock eyed in Cockney.

Cock eyed in Cockney,

Ask him if he needs a hug. Then offer to blow him in the company coffee room. That's a good warmup that will lead to a better, healthierunderstanding between the two of you. Before you know it, you'll be picking out matching towels and linens, and he'll be too starry eyed toeven think about asking you to actually do any work.
 
 

I'm 68 years old, but I still have sexual urges. My wife, however, does not. I don't want to cheat on her, but her sister, who is widowed, is looking awfully good. Can you suggest a gentile way that I can explain these desires to my wife, in a way that won't be misconstrued?

I'm not very good with words.

Tongue tied in Tallahassee.

Tongue tied in Tallahassee,

To insure that your words come across as 'gentile', make sure to stay away from phrases like 'shvitz', 'verklempt', 'oy gevelt' and 'schmuck' when you tell her you want to part her beef curtains with your summer sausage.