Enough hate to power the corrupt engine of the world.

Page 4. Holy christ there are a lot of people that will jump on to a nauseating thread like this.

I haven't gotten head in 9 flipping years. Can I shoot the bitch now?

Impatient in Indiana.

Impatient in Indiana,

Yeah. Give her a shot in the mouth. Check her with the quickness, just to let her know.
 
 

I am trying to find the right woman. Several personal adds I see are for women in their 20's and 30' who enjoy "long walks". Well I go out to all of the malls before the stores open and the only people I ever see taking long walks are in their 60's and 70's. I tried all of the walking trails too but with the same result.

Where can I find all these young women who are enjoying long walks? And if I do find one will she also be swinging her arms in that dorky way as she walks?

Alone in broward county florida.

Alone in broward county florida,

A sure way to meet eligible females that happen to be perambulating around, waving their arms in that sexy swagger, is to insure that you walk the *entire* length of Martin Luther King Blvd, no matter what city you're in.

It helps if you prattle on loudly about how much money you have in your wallet, as well as flagging down anybody that 'happens along' in case said women aren't immediately evident. They'll be MORE than happy to help you with your dilemma.
 
 

I got an email from a man here on bondage.com who asked me to service him. He said "Get on UR kneez, bl0w me off." I was very excited and made arrangements to meet him right away.

We decided to meet in front of the GNC at the local mall. He said he would purchase an energy drink and I could pleasure him with intense oral sex for my energy drink. I am sure you know, this was the most erotic fantasy I have had in years.

At the appointed time, I went to the GNC and waited for him. The most beautiful man came up to the door, nodded and grinned at me and sauntered up to the energy drinks. He was perfect. Adonis! I was thilled to be of service to such a piece of gorgeous man flesh, just like his picture!!!

He bought the drink and headed towards the door. I fell to my knees and ripped open his pants with my bare hands. His shredded trousers fell to the ground and his silk boxers practically disintegrated as I tore at them with my teeth. His cock slipped out and into my waiting mouth. I began sucking like a vacuum cleaner and tried to swallow his cock whole. He wasn't quite hard, but he seemed to be happy with my service as he started howling. The clerk behind the counter was impressed with my skills too. She started groaning and shrieking "Ohmigawd! What the hell?" as she watched me give my new Master the tongue bath of his life. His skin flute twitched in my mouth and he yelled "Call the Cops!" Damn, am I good or what?

To my astonishment, he had a friend wander in. He was the complete opposite of my God-like Master. He was short, thin as a rail and possessed the oddest body odor I have ever had to smell. He began to yell at me and say terribly humiliating things like, "Stupid slut! You have the wrong guy! That is supposed to be my blow job!" I was utterly thrilled and attempted to get Master off even faster.

Master's friend hit me over the head with a bottle of "Hollywood Diet Concentrate" and I lost my great suction seal on Master's woodchuckly bits. A mall security gaurd ran in and drug me to the door of the GNC. He pinned me there for a few minutes while I swore my undying devotion to Master. Several police offers grabbed me and cuffed me. I was taken to the county lock-up for a bit of caging play and more humilliation.

Master and I met again in court. He was pale and aloof as he told the judge about our wonderful first scene. The judge was kink friendly and suggested that I be punished for being so naughty. You cannot imagine my thrill as he suggested more caging, parole (intense monitoring of my activities) and staying at least 500 feet from Master at all times.

Master planned so much for me in our life together. What should I get him as a thank you gift? Oh I forgot the five point restraints they gave me as a collar! Can you imagine the joy? So about that gift....

Blissful in Belmont.

Blissful in Belmont,

Ah, nothing sets quite a warming fire in the cockles of your heart like when you're slapped with a restraining order and earn the hard won title of stalker. That's when you know they REALLY love you.

An appropriate thank you gift would be his mother's liver, and the finger bone of his father's little pinky. This and ONLY this would prove your devotion to your intended target...uh, master.

Best of luck to you!
 
 

You have without doubt in your sojourn in life (or whatever) encountered the phrase "Life's a bitch". Given your title, I'm just curious, how does that come across to you? Does it leave you feeling complimented, bemused, confused, a tad tiffed or temporarily titillated?

Anxiously and Alliteratively Awaiting your Answer in ... (oh lets just say) Albany.

Anxiously and Alliteratively Awaiting your Answer in ... (oh lets just say) Albany,

Somewhat complimented, a shade 'tiffed', and a little to the left of 'where do you want this hatchet, your eye or your scrotum?'.
 
 

What questions warm the cockles of your heart? Which ones do you hate?

Opening a Can of Worms in Omaha.

Opening a Can of Worms in Omaha,

To be honest, as long as I help somebody attain a higher state of being, and am able to get someone needy through the dark times, all the bile and putrescent filth I have to wade through every goddamn day I come into work and read these 'cherished fucking letters' that you hairless yard apes send me is worth it.

How about a nice cup of Shut The Fuck Up?

Sincerely,
 
 

I have a fetish for men in the military. I really get excited when some guy starts talking about paperwork, addressing people by rank, polishing their shoes and the proper way to do blow up your neighbors. Right now though, I have this incredibly hot fantasy about an amphibious vehicle. I want one covered with assorted dildos and buttplugs.

Then I want some hot guy in a uniform to drive it in and out of the lake until I explode with passion. Thought I would share.

How are you today?

Armed and Ready in Amarillo.

Armed and Ready in Amarillo,

Are you kidding? You'll never catch fish with that thing.

For one, dildoes are completely the wrong bait. Now, if you happened to be driving it in and out of a bay, I could see it...but a lake? That's just silly.
 
 

I have a problem, and I have hesitated in writing, but I need your advice.

I have a wonderful sub, she is willing, compliant, and enjoys a good flogging. So you ask, "What is your problem?" My problem is tennis elbow!

I have tried every thing, Flex all 454, Heat, ice packs, even Ben Gay. The pain is still incredible, she really enjoys it.

I guess my real question is, "Would it be Ok to use my other hand to flog her? Do you think she will enjoy the hurt as much, I don't want to disappoint her, but it will be my weak arm, or should I deal with the discomfort and press on.

We have decided to follow your advice, thanks.

Freddy Flogger.

Freddy Flogger,

Ahh, deal with the discomfort and press on, stalwart young stud. Nothing's sexier than a torn rotator cuff or an elbow the size of a grapefruit with seepage leaking from it. Should it turn colors, that only adds to the 'overall flavor' of the scene.

The pain will eventually go away, and you'll feel a blissful numbness in due time. Don't listen to the doctors when they say that you've destroyed all the cartiledge in your joints, though. They lie like dogs, they do.
 
 

One day I was walking down a path near a local lake. Accompanying me on my trip was my Master's favorite hunting dog. It was awful.

I threw at stick down by the water and suddenly a large alligator ate Master's blue tick hound! Now I was always a bit jealous of the dog, since it did get to sleep with him in the bed. I had to stay in a small dogbasket out in the kennel. I came home and told him the dog took off after something and never came back.

Master is moping around the house and praying for his hound to return. Should I tell him the truth? He let me sleep on top of the covers last night and I licked his face to wake him up in the morning. This could just be what our relationship needed.

Perplexed in Provo.

Perplexed in Provo,

Lying is good for the soul...and good for any relationship if you REALLY love your partner. Be happy that you've taken over rover's spot, and do your best in every way to replace the missing piece of your master's soul that your thoughtless action caused.

Them's the consequences...I'm sure you won't be complaining too much.
 
 

Please help, my sub and I have had a discussion concerning who should be responsible for making the important decisions regarding her behavior in the morning.

I feel it is absolutely essential that I get the shower first, to ensure there is plenty of hot water available before I go to the golf course. She thinks the dishwasher should have priority since I have given her instructions to make sure the china and silverware are properly taken care of.

Now I like eating off clean china as much as the next guy, but I think she's off base on this one, my preference would be to let the paper plates and plastic utensils wait until I am on the first tee.

Help us on this one, I just might have to resort to throwing our good place settings out.

Bob of Boise Cascade.

Bob of Boise Cascade,

I bet she wears white after labor day as well. *cringes* The philistine. Everybody knows that the best time of the day to do the dishes is when she's taking it in the ass from your immigrant gardener Julio who speaks almost no english but who has a cock the size of a goddamned flagpole.

Tell her to do the dishes then.
 
 

I have a serious clothing fetish. I really miss those leg warmers from the 80s. You remember them from that FlashDance movie? I really want to wear them on my arms, legs and around my neck while having hot gorilla sex.

Are there any health issues that might be of a concern with this?

Fuzzy Legged in Fairbanks.

Fuzzy Legged in Fairbanks,

The only way you can pull this off in a completely safe, sane, healthy and consentual manner is if you have a large plastic garment bag over your head at the same time. Make sure to seal it tightly, so that the fluff from the leg warmers don't get in your nose.

That shit's deadly.
 
 

Dear Bitchy Advice Lady, (Lady??? Really???)

I have this problem where I try to form sentences, but forget what I

Fore.

Fore,

Wow. This is really the most thought provoking question I've received. Listen carefully, because what I'm about to say is so very important to the issue at hand. First, get a
 
 

Help me please, my sub and I are having an argument concerning ball gags. she absolutely refuses to have one placed in her mouth after the dog retrieves it.

Now I am trying to accomplish two training tasks with one ball gag.

It essential for my Lab to learn the proper manner in which to retrieve and I enjoy seeing my sub drooling and silently screaming around the bright red gag when I flog her butt. I feel her protestations are unwarranted, I do wipe it off on the side of my hunting jacket before I place it in her mouth.

After all I don't want the dog to get sick! What should I do? I need that dog healthy, duck season starts tomorrow!

Duck Hunter Harry from Des Moines.

Duck Hunter Harry from Des Moines,

Perhaps you should teach your sub to hunt ducks. Or grouse.

Only the REALLY good subs do that, you know.

Best of luck to you!
 
 

What do I do if the name of the guy I like is the same as my hateful, crack-smoking daddy I refuse to speak to anymore?

Confused in Chicago.

Confused in Chicago,

Work through the catharsis by putting an icepick through his eye while you're riding his cock. That way you'll get off, and be able to tear up the 'treasured memory' of your father at the same time.

Ah, to be young and in love. It's a beautiful thing, really.
 
 

I really want to discuss butt plugs with my parents. They are very normal. Well my father is a midget albino cross dresser with a fondness for Carmine Miranda clothes. How should I approach them about using something larger on Aunt Ester?

Plugging away in Peoria.

Plugging away in Peoria,

It's a very delicate matter. I find that the best time to discuss insertables is over high tea. Perhaps use pie charts and graphs for elaboration, if needed.

It should be noted, however, that if they fail to stick their pinkies out when drinking the tea, they should be innundated with foul language and decried as heretics to the Queen. Feel free at this point to toss the teaset at them, then rush off to your room to cry noisily.

When they come to investigate, this would be a good time to lure them into a false sense of security by talking about something completely related, perhaps an old childhood injury. How about the one inflicted by Aunt Esther? I'm sure they're dying to know the entire story.

I know *I* am.
 
 

My mother rang this morning to tell me that she and Dad really are aliens from Betelgeuse IV, and that at 3pm this afternoon, the space ship is showing up to take them back.

How much do you think the rights to this are worth?

Bob from Betels Town.

Bob from Betels Town,

It really depends on where you shop the deal. For example, The Enquirer and the Star would probably pay a pretty hefty sum for such a story, but The Weekly World News would laugh at you. I don't think they're even trying anymore. My opinion? Their entire staff of writers are a pack of third graders in an exceptional learning curve.

Doesn't really keep it from being my favorite source for news, though.

Ed Anger is the BEST. I should really try to hook up a date with him.
 
 

I have been reading your column since it's inception and only the other day wrote to you for your advice regarding my priorities of ball gag training my sub and retreiver training for my Lab.

Your advice:

quote:

Perhaps you should teach your sub to hunt ducks. Or grouse.

Was a great idea! I stuck a pony tail up her butt,put a shock collar on her and took her to the field for a good days hunting.

I now have another problem. How do I get her to keep her tail straight when she is on point. The thing just lays there. I thought about starch, but once she runs through the wet thistle or goes into the pond after a duck, that damn damp tail is as limp as newly boiled spaghetti. Got any ideas. BTW she really is turning into a good retriever, a couple of jolts with the shock collar got her right on track.

Thanks, looking forward to your thoughts!

Duck Hunter Harry from Des Moines.

Duck Hunter Harry from Des Moines,

Hmm...perhaps a crude imitation of a penile implant that can be radio controlled would work. If you make it out of metal, you can have her function as a set of human rabbit ears and tweak the makeshift antenna to bring in some of the pay channels.
 
 

Yesterday, my boyfriend, I call him Rummy, asked me if I'd have a three-some with him and his friend Dick. Now, I'm not sure I want to, as I'm afraid poor Dick will have another heart-attack, but Rummy keeps telling me to "for the sake of the homeland."

What should I do?

Perplexed at the Pentagon.

Perplexed at the Pentagon,

If he's in a Nazi stormtrooper outfit, I could see it working. Perhaps you could convince him to pull out that old SS uniform he's had in mothballs for the last fourty years...?
 
 

I have been training and serving my Master for 6 years. He is having a few problems with some dominance issues.

Yesterday, he came home from work almost an hour late. I was sitting in the recliner when he stumbled in from a long day at the office. I immediately greeted him with a quick wave and blew him a very submissive and loving kiss before asking him to go grab me a glass of ice tea. I was horrible engrossed in my 'personal time' when I can watch that wonderful Dr. Phil and the creepy psychic guy who talks to the dead people. Master asked about dinner, so I told him he could cook or take me out. I wasn't picky. No chinese though. Oh and nothing with onions. I get gas.

My beloved Master got me the tea and opened the door for his new friends from Point Lay, Alaska. Apparently, they are out of work whalers. They have pulled their whale boats up onto the front lawn and are milling about in the living room. Someone put down a large plastic tarp and they are making references to 'cutting up the walrus' before they hit the bar. Now, this makes me mad. I have trained Master not to bring home his friends without permission or head off to bars! I was disgusted with his less than Domly behavior.

Anyhow, one of the whalers pulled out a huge knife and suggested that he could make a lovely model of a dogsled from the jaw and teeth of the walrus. A slightly older and wiser-looking gentleman suggested an entire panarama could be created using teeth, fillings and the pelvic bone of the walrus. Another said hides make good lampshades.

I applaud Master's decision to have a new hobby. However, I have a problem with him just showing up with his friends and slaughtering animals in the living room. I am trying to watch Dr. Phil in here and have some private time!

Totally Submissive in Tuscon.

Totally Submissive in Tuscon,

Perhaps you should purchase a dictionary. You seem to be unfamiliar with a few basic definitions.

And a sure way to get those stains out of your carpeting that they left behind is to have them all drink lye. It makes whatever you touch invisible to rugs, draperies and carpeting. It's a miracle chemical, really. You can also use it as birth control.

Well, retroactively speaking, that is.

Best of luck to you!
 
 

Recently myself and a friend were enjoying a casual round of golf when we thought that the game would be so much nicer and refined if we reverted to the traditional use of caddies, rather than drive golf carts.

The idea appeals to both of us. The opportunity to commune with nature sans noise; the pleasureable, healthy walk and the luxury of having someone carry and take care of your equipment.

That's where I need your advice. I employed my sub to lug my 80 pound golf bag and she did quite well until my golf ball got some mud on it. When I asked her to clean the mud, she raced over to me, threw the bag on the ground, pulled my pants and briefs down, carried me to the ball washer and tried to stuff my testicals into the damn thing.

I was appalled, and somewhat embarassed when my gentitals were scrubbed by the bristles in the ball washer. My golf buddy was laughing his head off. My problem is I liked it and now I can't go to the golf course without mounting a ball washer.

Do you know where I can purchase an executive style ball washer to place in my dungeon.

Sincerely

Harvey Hacker from Hoboken,NJ.

Harvey Hacker from Hoboken,NJ,

I believe that the Sharper Image catalog probably has just what you're looking for. If it's *executive* and painfully overpriced, they have any mindless trinket to suit your every useless need.
 
 

I have come across something in the BDSM lifestyle that I find deeply alarming. There are so many folks around here that seem to think relationships should accompany their kinky, bizarre, half-illegal sexual acts. I really resent this. How am I supposed to get a submissive in bed if they are expecting a relationship ontop of everything else?

Next thing you know, they are going to want to cuddle after I use them. What the hell! How do I stop this?

FancyFree in Fargo.

FancyFree in Fargo,

Chain them to your bed, or better yet, use an in bed drawer system. Make sure to have a special 'quiet room' that you can toss them into when they get out of hand (and they will). Once you've subverted them into a snivelling, servile mess, you can pat yourself on the back knowing that you've completely and utterly destroyed their soul.

Many happy returns, Sauron.
 
 

I need your help. I am a jet engine mechanic and routinely service the propulsion equipment on the largest most sophisticated military aerospace aviation units in our armed forces. And before you ask, no they are not the heat seeking guided muscles pilots, euphemistically, refer to when talking about their penis.

I am talking about the real suckers and blowers that make things go.

Generals.

I have the hots for this paticular brigadier, but he barely notices me. How can I get true leadership to stand ramrod straight and make me see stars. I need some "pro motion".

Wanda Wrenchwacker, Sgt. USAF.

Wanda Wrenchwacker, Sgt. USAF,

Dressing up like Miss Buxley usually garners the attention of goddamn near anybody in a military office. I'd go with that. It's a tried and true method that always worked in Beetle Bailey, and since that was about the army and stuff, it has to be true, right?
 
 

My 14 Doms want to call me at work so they can have me masturbate in my cubicle. I am really concerned I won't be able to do my job, monitoring radioactive emmissions from the plant. I want to please them all, but wow, to they wear me out.

Should I call them or wait for them to call me?

Confused in Connecticutt.

Confused in Connecticutt,

Perhaps you should keep your thumb on another button whilst at work, as opposed to your own.

If this doesn't make sense to you, I can pull out piecharts and graphs.
 
 

What's your favorite ice cream flavor?

Sweetly Seeking in Somewhereville.

Sweetly Seeking in Somewhereville,

Shit mummy.

Best ice cream ever.
 
 

So, here's a toughie. I get involved with this guy. A few months of emails, getting pretty intense and real. And then we phone and then we meet. And we kind of dive into things you know.

Then it's only our third date, and the sheets are all rumpled and damp and I'm SO moved, because it's only our third date and he goes all vulnerable and cute.
He shares all kinds of things about his troubles and travails (he's such a sensitive, deep guy and I'm getting all melty) and then he lets me know he's married. I'm SO moved because it's so early in our relationship for him to share something this personal. So I want to do something really special for him and when he's in the shower I, well (shy giggle) rummage a bit through his stuff and find his address book. And, then, with one thing and another, I arrange a special party to please him, with all his specially marked "best friends" from his book and his wife of course, to be his special date on this occasion. So the party is tomorrow.

The only thing is I FORGOT to invite his mom. Now, cause it's tomorrow and all I don't know what to do. Is it really rude and insulting to her to invite her at the last moment? Or is it worse to leave her out. What should I do??

Painfully Perplexed in... (you guessed it) Peoria.

Painfully Perplexed in... (you guessed it) Peoria,

You should definitely call her, but make SURE that she shows up before all the other guests. Then, when she gets there, tie her to a chair and secure a silk scarf into her mouth. Pouring lemon juice into the upturned eyes of a loving relative is a primitive mating ritual that both she and her lovely boy will appreciate. A ritual scarring of the forehead with an esoteric symbol that looks a little like a four point broken pinwheel will also help them remember the joyful moment for years to come. Don't forget to cut out her tongue...mothers tend to grow this back almost immediately. It's a strange, innate 'after breeding' thing.

When the rest of the guests arrive, be sure to be all tramped up in a stock Ilsa - She Wolf of the SS outfit. They'll LOVE it!
 
 

I have three friends. We all have wonderful senses of humor. I was watching Grease tonight. I think my friends are a girl gang in the 50s era style.

What color jackets would you suggest?

jen, jinnly & Rogue's friend near San Jose.

jen, jinnly & Rogue's friend near San Jose,

As if the answer weren't already obvious.

Peuce and Citrine.
 
 

Thanksgiving is approaching and I have so much to be grateful for: A great house, good job, wonderful dog(Lab), magnificent sub, fantastic hunting companion and duck/goose retreiver(not the dog, my sub).

If you recall I wrote once before, and since that time my sub has become a fetching machine. I don't have to use the shock collar as much, she is getting used to the scummy swamp water, and her tail is staying straight.

My problem: I need to get a new kennel. No, not for the dog, he sleeps on the bed. It's for my sub. Unfortunately kennels do not come with installed restraint devices.

Any ideas? I'm sure there are some specialty shops that cater to this requirement. I want only the best, my sub really deserves this for her hard work bringing back those birds, she even retrieved the Thanksgiving goose she will prepare for the holidays.

Duck Hunter Harry from Des Moines,

Duck Hunter Harry from Des Moines,

What you need is a little cement house with a dog run so she can get exercise without having to lock her up. You'll have to contract out for the chain link fencing and the concrete pouring, but you'll be glad you did!
 
 

I am in dire straights! Please help!

Master is an avid duck hunter and he has a lazy, flea-ridden, piece of shit dog who won't retrieve. Somewhere he got the screwed up idea that I should be his retriever.

He stuck a butt plug in my bottom with a long tail on it. Then he bitched when he threw me into the putrid swamp water because the tail became a disgusting slime-encrusted wad of old hairbrush leavings. I try keeping my ass out of the water at all times. This is not easy to do with a bloody duck between your teeth.

Bitchy Advice Lady, the problem is that he now wants me to not only retrieve the poultry but prepare it for dinner. I know I signed on as a pure 24/7 no limits slave, but is this really something a REAL slave should be doing? How do I prepare a damn goose???

Puppy Girl of Duck Hunter in Des Moines.

Puppy Girl of Duck Hunter in Des Moines,

Most dogs turn on their masters.

Feign rabies.

Think of it as 'extreme scene play'.
 
 

I've known about my daughters interest in BDSM for quite some time now. No problem there. I've been expecting it since she hit puberty.

However, my son has always seemed as Vanilla as Ice Cream. A few days ago however, he called and asked me to go into his room and look for his phone book. I discovered toys! Yes, BDSM toys! But when I mentioned it I found out they are his fiancees. Apparently that quiet, meek little mouse of a girl is a Domme! My son is a subby!!! Ack! How do I deal with THAT!!!

Eve.

Eve,

Your best bet at this point would be to go to a petstore and pick up a pink rhinestone studded collar for him. Support is everything at this crucial stage in motherhood. Be strong.
 
 

Please help, I think I am like one of those homosexual, lesbian, fag, queer, gay, dyke type girls (Hey like I've been reading up on it all) But like I'm not real sure about so many things, can you help?

Like my best friend Cindy says that she wants me to touch her in like all of these gross and nasty places and like I'm not so sure that I can do that you know? I mean she has like even taken off her clothes and stuff and I have even like seen her naked and I'm not sure I can do what she wants me to do. Like she's the one that told me that I liked girls not guys and everything like you know, so it must be true. But ewwwww, have you ever seen a female naked? That is just gross. She has like hair all over down there, you know, where the pee pee comes out. And she wants me to put my mouth there too.

And like don't even get me started on her boobies, I mean they are like huge and everything, like my moms. Cindy says that it's just because she is like older and everything, I mean she is in high school you know? She says maybe next month when I turn 12 my boobies will get big too. But I just don't know. I mean like I haven't even started going through like that change my mom keeps telling me about and the kind of stuff they make us sit through that chick flick in like the 6th grade and stuff.

But Cindy says that she loves me and that like I love her and everything will be fine. I mean i guess like we'll get married and stuff like that, but that doesn't really mean that I have to put my mouth like down there does it? I mean that is just really gross! Please can you help?

Maybe a muff diver in middle school.

Maybe a muff diver in middle school,

It's time to park the tongue bus in tuna town, girlie. Everybody's gotta do it at some time or another in their life. Might as well be with someone you might possibly sorta kinda love.

And please, 'down there' is just so pase. Try these simple phrases, and your sex life will improve a thousandfold: Pussy, Beef Curtains, Yammering Snatch, Cooze, Cunt, Whore Hole, Gaping Maw of Fuck, Coochie, Cookie, Punani, Hoo Hoo Dilly.

Ain't the english language grand?