Enough hate to power the corrupt engine of the world.

Updated 10.29.02 - 0347

What started out as an inocuous thread on a heretofore unnamed BDSM site quickly spun far out of control. Since it's inception, pages and pages of inane, curious, and downright fucking tasteless questions have been posed to the entitiy known as the Bitchy Advice Lady (IE: Rogue). I've put them all in one place so that people may gape, throw up, or cover their screens with soda from continuous spittakes, should they so choose.

I'm not sayin' this shit is funny...I'm just sayin' that you probably need a good gag reflex if you're going to make it all the way through this pit of scum and villainy. It should go without saying that anybody under 21 years of age, or without a seriously fucked sense of the world or humor, should probably fuck off right now.

Advice dispensed by the filthy whore beast that is the Bitchy Advice Lady will be shown in a hideous green font, in the hopes that it'll cure you of sight and keep you bitches from asking me all these stupid goddamned questions.

Dear Bitchy Advice Lady,

I have a crush on this Dom. Should I hotlist him? Should I have a friend call him? What do I do? I want him so bad!

Confused in California

Confused in California,

Ah, the Magic Bondage Touchstone says that he has a girlfriend. Stab her in the face with a trowel and the doorway to the mysteries of love will be open to you.

Perhaps not wearing cuban heels will help as well...
 
 

Dear Bitchy Advice Lady,

Last week, my girlfriend left me. I'm devastated. I want her back. She dumped me because she caught me in bed with her sister...and her mom..and her twin cousins..

How can I get her to forgive me and come back home?

Perky LeatherPunk

Perky LeatherPunk,

You impudent hussy. It's quite obvious what needs to be done.

Two words. Acid Bath.

Ooh...after that, you'll need two more words:

Competent lawyer.
 

Dear Bitchy Advice Lady,

I really want to have an affair with my neighbor's Great Dane. How do I approach them?

Potentional Puppy Player in Peoria

Potentional Puppy Player in Peoria,

Lure them outside with the fable of ancient treasures buried in their next door neighbor's flowerbed. After their attention's been diverted, get out your sunday 'go to meetin' dress, it's time for Dr. Doggie Love!
 
 

Dear Bitchy advice lady.

I brought my brand new girlfriend home to meet my mom, and she fucked her what shoud I do?

Hopeless in Nantuckit

Hopeless in Nantuckit,

Shut yer cakehole and GET IN THERE! Throw 'em both a bone. You'll be happy you did.
 
 

Dear Bitchy Advice Lady,

I found an odd, reddish-purple rash on my testicles this morning. I think I may have been molested by horny leeches in my sleep. What should I do..?

Sir Splotchy Nuts

Sir Splotchy Nuts,

If you find them, eat them (the leeches, that is). It's the only way to get your stolen testicular vitality back. Oh, and you'll gain 'Super Powers'.
 
 

Dear Bitchy Advice Lady,

My landlord came over yesterday and asked me if I wanted a break on my rent. I said sure but what is the catch? He said I had to go down on him twice a week and tie him up and spank him.

I am a submissive and I really don't swing that way. Is it wrong for me to take that out on him with a violet wand?

Electified in Elko

Electified in Elko,

Not at all. Perhaps, with this man, you'll want to use a coathanger and direct house current.

That should get his attention.
 
 

Dear Bitchy Advice Lady;

I went out last night and bought me a hooker. The sex was fantastic and we are talking marriage. My problem is that she has a bigger penis than me. What should I do?

Small Willy

Small Willy,

In cases like this, one could always cut the extra bit off and wear it as a meat helmet.

Be sure to scream, "I'M THE QUEEN OF FRANCE!!!" afterwards, though, or the moment will be ruined.

Best of luck to you.
 
 

Dear Bitchy Advice Lady,

My 15 year old daughter is pregnant, and she says that our neighborhood milkman is the culprit. I've approached him about it, but he denies it, and said he wouldn't fuck her with a stolen dick. I trust my daughter, and I believe she is telling the truth. What should I do to get the milkman to confess that he knocked her up?

Jealous-Cuz-My-Daughter-Gets-More-Dick-Than-I-Do in Joliet

Jealous...

This is a tough one. If you carve him up, take the best pieces of meat to your local butcher for sale, then pot the rest under your roses (remember to use LOTS of quicklime), within four months your daughter will miscarry.

If he's the father.

If he's not...get a lawyer.
 
 

Dear Bitchy Advice Lady,

My Dom wants me to get into scat. The problem is I hate jazz. What can I do to discourage him?

Scattless in Seattle

Scattless in Seattle,

You don't like jazz? There is no hope.

Go fuck a 12 year old in a metallica t-shirt, and get on with your life as the next handsome couple on Jerry Springer.

Best of luck to you.
 
 

Dear Bitchy Advice Lady,

My Dom wants me to have vanilla sex. With him. Only with him. What do I do?

Vanilla in Vegas

Vanilla in Vegas,

If he won't fuck you on the rollercoaster in New York, New York, he isn't worth your time, honey.

He might be redeemed, however, if he'll bend you over one of the turnstiles in Circus, Circus while a clown capers in the background.

Yeah...that might be ok.
 
 

Dear Bitchy Advice Lady,

Is it wrong that I have a major sexual obsession with my great grandfather? He's very handsome for 108, and so well preserved. He's even prettier in his coffin. Oh... damn.. rambled.. Sorry!

SuperFreak in Fargo

SuperFreak in Fargo,

The gentle loving lack of touch from the dead can be so profound that it warms the cockles of your heart.

Whatever the fuck they are.

I say...hose him down first at least, fer chrissake. Show a little decency to the poor man...then fuck his embalm soaked brains out!
 
 

Dear bitchy advice lady

My Dom was trying out needle play and nipple torture on me. He put a needle in wrong and popped my implants. Now he's all whiny cause my tits aren't big enough. what can I do?

Boobless in Boston

Boobless in Boston,

Have him fill the deflated boob with urine. Make sure to get a bicycle repair kit to patch it up after. Good as new. And if it should pop again, you'll have a pretty yellow fountain! Make sure he squeezes hard for that dramatic spray.

You'll be glad you did!
 
 

Dear Bitchy Advice Lady,

My Dom and I were doing this medical scene at home. Something went wrong. He fell in...or disappeared. I am not sure what happened. The munch we go to each month is next week. What do I tell everyone?

Swollen in Saratoga

Swollen in Saratoga,

Put some lemon juice on your punani and he'll pop right out!

Works for stains too!
 
 

Dear bitchy advice lady I seem to have a problem. My boyfriend will not lick my pussy ever. He refuses to this and more recently he even refuses to fuck me. I have a fish fetich and my little cunny does smell like a 6 week dead carp. Is this normal? and what can I do to get him to go downtown?

Toxic in Toronto

Toxic in Toronto,

Once again, lemon juice. A liberal application over the 'affected area' should do quite nicely. Perhaps some common household bleach as well.

What the hell, it worked for McGyver all those times.

Best of luck to you!
 
 

Dear Bitchy Advice Lady,

So i/this girl has this Dom. W/we are very happy. H/h loves M/me because i/this girl switches. I/i keep speaking in C/capitals and L/lower case letters. I/this girl is afraid. P/please H/help.

A/annoyed in A/annapolis

A/annoyed in A/annapolis,

W/wow that's really F/fucked up. P/perhaps you/her should get this looked at by a speech therapist.

Or bathe in L/lye.
 
 

Dear Bitchy Advice Lady,

The other day, my step-sister and I were having a wild lesbian romp in the woods, and to be really kinky and wild, she sodomized me with a small snake. Unfortunately, the snake has managed to become stuck in my rectum, and I can't get it out. I have noticed a pinching sensation whenever I walk, and I think its teeth have gotten caught in the walls of my anus. So I have been walking around for 2 days with half a snake hanging out of my ass, and I can't sit down. HELP!

Suzy with a Snag in Springfield

Suzy with a Snag in Springfield,

Think of it as a festive tail that produces a mildly discomfiting sensation from time to time.

Have your dressmaker work around it. They live for that shit.
 
 

Dear bitchy advice lady

I have 14 inch penis and it just keeps growing a little longer every year. My girlfriend has me fucking cows now because she can't do me any more. Is this normal? what can I do? You are my only hope **SOB**

Huge in Houston
(everything's bigger in Texas  )

Huge in Houston,

Bovine love sometimes gives those of us with 'more blessed proportions' what women cannot. Suck it up and stop being such a whiny pussy.

Or go find an ex porn star.

They live for that circus freaky long dicked shit.
 
 

Dear Bitchy Advice Lady,

I know this mean ass Sadist. He beats my ass every time I open the door. Apparently, I am supposed to sit and wait for his lazy ass to wander around the other side of the car. He thinks if I open the door I should get caned. What should I buy him for Christmas?

Puzzled in Puta Creek

Puzzled in Puta Creek,

A bassinet.

Then club him with it.
 
 

Dear Bitchy Advice Lady,

Remember that Dom and the lemon juice? Well he did pop out just like you said! Unfortunately, now we can't have sex without vast amounts of CountryTime Lemonade mix on the sheets. Any ideas?

Citrused in Cypress

Citrused in Cypress,

I'm afraid that it's the cross you'll have to bear.

At least your fucking will be 'lemony fresh'.
 
 

Dear Bitchy Advice Lady,

I seem to have a problem with saggy breasts. It is driving me up the wall. Last week, I was having a jog on my treadmill before my shower, and I tripped on one, fell, and knocked 9 teeth out of the front of my mouth. What can I do about this horrendous sagging problem to prevent such mishaps in the future?

"Tits" McGee in Tulsa

"Tits" McGee in Tulsa,

Jesus, didn't you ever watch Yentl? Toss them over your shoulder and strap 'em down, baby.

Nobody else wants to be in the line of fire of those puppies, should they happen to go off.
 
 

Dear Bitchy Advice Lady

I was born and raised a proper southern lady. I can barely stand it when my husband has sex with me as it is but now. why he wants ...... he wants to ... to put his .... thing in my bum. My bum I mean what kind of pervert is he? Whatever is a Lady to do? help me please?

Sodomy in the Saratoga

Sodomy in the Saratoga,

Your bum? Your BUM? It's your ASSHOLE lady. Your bunghole, poop chute, the secret pussy.

Once you become familiar with these little pet names for your cornhole, you'll be much more readily accepting of taking his cock in your fetid little canal of love.

Best of luck to you!
 
 

Dear Bitchy Advice Lady,

My ex Master says you are not a real person. I say you are. Who gets to be on top? We have a big bet on this one.

Gambling in Georgetown

Gambling in Georgetown,

Sweet, dear child.

I DO! MOVE OVER ROVER, THE BITCHY ADVICE LADY'S COMIN' OVAH!

I'll show you real. Dammit.
 
 

Dear Bitchy advice LADY...I think you are real...and the more humorous your letters writers are...the more truthfull I think they are....

I always sort of suspected....

I always sort of suspected....,

Why does everyone keep saying that?
 
 

Dear bitchy advice broad

I got me alittle going on the side but my wife don't like it. I told her to shut her fucking pie hole and bend over. The bitch loved it what the fuck do I do now?

No Neck in New York

No Neck in New York,

Start your very own line of gay men's designer wear.

Trust me, you'll be happier once you've discovered the pleasures of window dressing.

Break that cherry, and don't look back. Trust me.
 
 

Dear Bitchy Advice Lady,

What do I do if I think I found a Dom who is representative of the Christian Coallition? What should I do?

Confused in Chicago

Confused in Chicago,

Is it Ralph Reed? If so, promptly sodomize him with a goat and set him on fire.

If not, use a smaller goat.

Repeat as necessary.
 
 

Dear Bitchy Advice Lady,

My sweetie wants to lick my eyeballs as we orgasm. I don't know what to do. Can I get an eye infection?

Interested in Ithaca

Interested in Ithaca,

Licking is fine. Ocular activites while ejaculating can be quite pleasant, and only produce a mild burning sensation for 2 to 3 hours after thetongue's contact with the cornea.

Sucking is RIGHT OUT.
 
 

Dear bitchy advice lady

I up'n married muh cusin 2 yeers ago. Problum is it turns out thet muh daddy wuz fucking her mama so shes actuly muh sister. What I wanna know is kin I fuck my other cuz now? oh me'n the wife got us three young'yns if'n that helps.

Anachronism in Arkansas

Anachronism in Arkansas,

By the positioning of the stars, I can clearly see that there are probably three teeth between the four of you.

First things first. Buy more teefus.

Then bang out the 'cuz. Nobody likes fucking a toothless drunk.

Best of luck to you!
 
 

Dear Bitchy Advice Lady,

Last weekend, my grandparents had a barbeque. Most of my immediate family was there. My 4 brothers, my 6 sisters, my aunts, cousins, and even my dead uncle Wally! I was surprised to see him. I was also strangely aroused by his presence.. Um.. anyway..

So, My aunt Saffron has this really pretty german shepherd named Lucky, and I was petting him while talking to my Uncle Wally..And he got up, and he peed right on my face! I guess I shouldn't have been sitting on the ground where my face was level with his crotch.. But.. I liked it a lot. And that combined with being aroused by the sight of my Uncle Wally.. Well, I got on my hands and knees, called Lucky over, and hiked up my skirt! DAMN that dog knows how to work it.. And I gave Uncle Wally a handjob while Lucky pounded away at me, and I was kind of disappointed that he didn't spray his goo of love all over my face, but at least he was hard.

Anyway..

I think Lucky knocked me up. What should I do?!

Lucky's Little Slut in Utah

Lucky's Little Slut in Utah,

I recommend scooby snacks.

If yer gonna drop a litter, it's the only thing that will keep the little fuckers in check.

Unless, for some strange reason, they come out zombie dogs.

Then you're well and truly screwed.
 
 

Dear Bitchy Advice Lady,

I want to go move in with this Dom. He wants me to live in the closet and he insists on peeing on my hair. I just wanted to crash on his couch and share expenses. What should I do?

Peed on in Petersburg

Peed on in Petersburg,

Get him to buy you HELLA expensive hair care products, or the deal's off.

Either that, or club him in the head with the television and bury him in the backyard. This works better if he has no friends or relatives...that way you can situate yourself in his place for as long as you like, ya little sociopath.

Best of luck to you!
 
 

Dear bitchy advice lady

When I was sent up the river for 12 years I discovered the joys of man love. I'm home now with my wife and everything is good ... except that since I don't take it from behind anymore I'm always constipated. what can I do?

Manly in Moncton

Manly in Moncton,

Two options:

1) Prune juice, and LOTS of it, brotha.
2) A good fist in the ass

Get yer wife's hand in yer ham and yer GOLDEN.
 
 

Dear Bitchy Advice Lady,

If you are lost in the woods with a moose, what is the best lube to have with you?

Dry in Denver

Dry in Denver,

The moose will provide it's own 'special sauce', if you will.

Pucker up, buttercup. Moose are ALWAYS ready for action.
 
 

Dear Bitchy Advice Lady,

Is it wrong to sodomize younger siblings's pet gerbils with various phallic vegetables on camera for sport?

Sodomizin Sammy in San Fran

Sodomizin Sammy in San Fran,

Not at all.

But only if it's for sport.

Otherwise, the mad gerbil fairy protetrix will devour your inner muffins while you sleep.

Sweet dreams!
 
 

Dear Bitchy Advice Lady,

I want to redecorate my house. I am thinking about making the whole thing kink friendly by using only BDSM furniture. How do I explain to my grandparents about the St. Andrew's cross in the livingroom? What do you advise for tasteful seating arrangments?

Redecorating in Racine.

Redecorating in Racine,

Tell them that it's a trellis for ivy. Old people will believe damned near anything.

BAL
 

As to seating arrangements, as long as your spanking horse is cushiony, you should be able to fit at least two people on it. For 'fine dining', you can always toss a large slab of glass over that large iron cage in the living room...that way you can serve canapes on it. This will also help to taunt any relatives that are unfortunate enough to find themselves guests of the cage of d00m.

I have recently fallen and can't get up. There was nasty chaffing.

What should I do?

Grazed Knee At The Bottom Of The Stairs.

Grazed Knee At The Bottom Of The Stairs,

Don't they give you young'un's medical 'clappers' or something?

Throw something at your dog. Perhaps he'll pick up the phone and call 911 for you.

If not, I find that a liberal amount of futile tears does wonders for clearing the mind.

Best of luck to you!