I'm also a happy, go lucky individual. Why are you laughing? I am! ...Eddie Macha

Club Etiquette

To start out with, I would like to explain club etiquette to those of you fortunate enough to do this wacky stuff outside of your bedroom with your partner du jour. First let me explain what a collar means. A collar is a proprietary statement from master/mistress (top) to slave (bottom). It means that this person, whether during the time that they are involved in a game or for the rest of their natural born lives 24/7 are only to be addressed, propositioned or spoken to through their master/mistress. It is an obvious Spot The Newbie if you talk to someone with collar or cuffs, since they don't exist outside their master/mistress' permission to do so, and they can get in serious trouble if they engage with you. Imagine if your SO decided to fuck someone else within eyeshot at a party you brought them to. Tantamount activity.

Secondly, DO NOT I repeat DO NOT interfere IN ANY WAY with someone else's scene unless specifically invited to do so. Not only is this poor form, but is liable to get your ass kicked in a none too friendly way. Not only is the top responsible for the safety of the environment created for his/her bottom, and thus cannot be distracted, but a meddler can also break the electricity of the moment and ruin sexual tension of the scene. Can you imagine if in the privacy of your Vanilla bedroom Howard Cosell was giving a critical play-by-play? Not too annoying, Huh? On several occasions I have physically removed people who interfered with my scenes in an overt fashion, uninvited. I don't like being put in the position of Bully, so don't be an Idiot.

Just for your information, the 1970's hanky code is back, with plenty of colors to pick and choose and advertise your kink with. For a complete list, I would contact The Leather Man in NYC, or for a modified list, Samois' "Coming To Power". For instance, my favorite is Hunter Green in my left back pocket, which denotes that I am a Top into Daddy games. Some of my favorite children (over 18 I swear) have a Hunter Green hanky tied around their right thigh or boot, since there's no back pocket on a pinafore or romper :). Flagging is the modern vernacular meaning to "flag" or wear one's keys on the right (bottom) or left (top) to attract the right person to you. Hanky codes simplify that flag by explaining right away exactly what the kink in question is. Watch out though...getting a slightly off color will get you a completely different response. For instance, a white hanky is for virgins (Left means looking for one, right means IS one), but a white lace hanky means into Victorian scenes, like caning and long governess uniforms. VERY different.

I think I've covered club etiquette pretty much.

Safe, Sane and Consentual

The cardinal rule for all scenes, in the privacy of your bedroom with the lights turned down or in big, public, Saturday night dungeons is this: Safe, Sane and Consensual. Safe means two things. In public or with multiple partners it means latex and lube. Even with a single partner, for hygienic reasons, it's less likely to transfer funky bacteria by using a condom and glove and changing them between orifices and people. Safe also means paying attention to safety techniques and listening to your partner carefully. It is very easy to fuck up something simple and "routine" if you aren't paying attention. For instance, the wrists should never be bound tightly with something thin and unyielding because a group of nerves rests very close to the surface and can cause permanent or undeterminate term damage with pressure. You can avoid damage by either learning non slip knots with broad based pressure distribution in a sailor's or boy scout's knot book (I recommend Ashley's Book of Knots, 1940) or using wider leather or nylon cuffs built for the purpose. Listening to your partner also includes Safe Words. A safe word is a preordained word, phrase, or body movement (in the case of gags this is important) that lets the top know that the bottom has had enough, or needs a step down. If your partner doesn't know Ancient Mind Reading Techniques, he/she needs a clue when you've had enough, and usually unconsciousness isn't a good clue.

Sane means cooperation, not "None of that Far Out Kinky Shit". Sane means actually paying attention when your partner has reached his/her limits and doing something about it. Sane means not ignoring pre set limits of tolerance or boundaries. I really think this sane issue should be paid attention to more of the time (like in day to day situations) but I can't have everything...well, maybe.

Consentual means discussing before a scene starts what the boundaries, triggers and/or limits the other person has. It also means not violating those terms at the expense of yourself or others. For instance, just because a bottom loves getting spanked doesn't mean the top has to beat their ass until his/her hands are raw, bleeding stumps. Not only does it create a martyrdom which wasn't asked for, but it means the top is out of commission for any other good stuff which was to follow. Be reasonable with your own body limits - no one has to be superhuman in tolerance either of pain or the situation.

Safe, Sane and Consensual.

I can't repeat it enough because they are really easy and important rules to go by.

F.U.N.S. Explained

Okay! On to the goodies. Let's start with bondage. Bondage is any means of restraining a person from accomplishing a usual body motion. Bondage can be accomplished either freestanding or to another object or person, and can be extremely erotic, both in the forced reduction of normal movement, and also the forced relinquishing of responsibility for your body movements. One of the great attractions of being a bottom for many people is that surrender to another person of all physical sensation. It's a very powerful thing in this culture of Dog Eats Dog. Anyway, bondage can be accomplished with expensive leather or pvc restraint systems sold at places like The Leather Man, The Noose, David Samuel Menkes, Purple Passion, or Body Worship in NYC, or Stormy Leather in San Francisco. I know of others, but I shop locally, and I'm a NYC kid. A restraint for the wrists or ankles should be 1/2 a finger width loose in order not to restrict blood flow, especially if the joint will be bearing body weight, such as suspension cuffs. Around the throat, a collar should be one full finger width loose, to prevent unintentional strangulation. If you yank on a person's collar, try to always yank forward, or by the hair in order not to damage the trachea. If you crush someone's windpipe, they're basically fucked. And so are you. If you want low budget bondage, you can use anything from nylon laundry line rope to silk scarves to saran wrap (tasty, safe and excruciatingly warm) to pantyhose that you can't wear to work anymore. Yes, fancy toys look really hot, but I hate the SM scene being turned into this elitist club where you can't come (cum?) unless you have the money for the "right" look. Just remember common sense about breathing and circulation. For novices, you might want to invest in a few Panic Clips, available at hardware and army/navy supply stores. These are built for releasing a runaway horse from a carraige without any trouble, but can hold onto the horse up until that point. They have a single hook on a swivel ring which pulls down to release the hook's clasp. That means if your bottom panics and needs to be unhooked right away or passes out you don't have to lift their entire body weight up and over the catch. all you do is release the safety clasp and ease them to the floor. This stuff is important. If you have a way to get someone into something, you'd better be able to get them out of it. Quickly. Next.

Heavy Leather Use to me includes whips, floggers, paddles (both wood and leather), quirts, crops, canes, single tails, and cat-o-nines, etc. The best way to effectively use these toys is the same way you get to Carnegie Hall: practice, practice, practice. I admit fully that although I consider myself a very good player with a flogger, quirt, cane, paddle, crop or cat-o-nine, I am really lousy with a single tail bullwhip. Over the years I have been given three, and I do practice, but because they can break skin, or worse, miss and Wraparound, hitting a person in the eye or other really tender bit, I only use them for effect. A blindfolded person hearing an ultrasonic crack is still as terrified and turned on as one getting expertly hit. One day I may feel confident in my skill with it to bother. Or maybe not. I have plenty of fun as it is :).

A Few Safety Notes:

• The kidneys are very close to the skin and not very well protected by the body. Anyone on dialysis can tell you why it's important not to damage your kidneys, so try to avoid full force blows to the lower back, just under the waistline.
• The eardrum can be painfully and quickly popped by the force of air entering in the ear canal compressed by the speed of a blow. Thus, boxing someone's ears is okay as long as you leave your hand open somewhere to allow the air a direction out. The eardrum cannot be replaced and will leave the person deaf in that ear. That would suck.
• Keep in mind common sense when you are playing. I cannot claim to enjoy kicking or punching a person within a scene, but I will not take away that right from consenting adults. As long as they understand that the body is not as hardy as a steel toed boot and certain tissues are not as regenerative as others. Just a consideration, folks.

Electrical Toys involve anything running on a plug in or batteries. Again, common sense is the best method of safety. First of all, remember how Mom told you not to play the radio next to the bathtub? This falls in the "Duh" category. No electricity in water areas. That includes watersport areas too. Okay? Moving on. Vibrators can be used to increase sensation in a tissue area or against some other object, causing it to "hum" along with the vibe. A nice toy is a vibrating pearl inserted next to anal beads or ben-wah balls. The plastic or metal density reverberates more than the genital tissues themselves, so it increases the sensations A LOT. Yum. Electroshock toys are clamps or screws that attach to a body extremity, especially a moist one, such as nipples, labia, clit, or scrotum that has a variable output charge attached. This can be extremely painful in a tingly, prinkly, needles kinda way and not for those with low tolerance levels. Most electric pain implements differ from beating implements in that the quality of the pain is different. Beating pain is dull, low, throbbing and constant. Electric or most clamp pain is sharp, high, intense, and almost immediately gone once the implement of pain is removed. Keep this in mind as far as combinations of pain can heighten the experience, or can just piss off your bottom. Talk about it first (see "Safe Sane and Consensual" section). One of my favorite toys, and unfortunately an expensive one, is an Ultraviolet wand. I'm sure you've all seen the science project version of these - a round glass globe either on a handle or a stand which emits "lightening" patterns from the center of the globe, and tickles and makes your hair stand up when you touch it with your hand. Well, now imagine that it's mobile, charged higher, and touching you in not so ticklish ways. Yum. It's a very different and exciting charge, and I recommend it if you can find it. Again, it isn't for everyone, but what aspect of kink is?

A definition of watersports: Watersports involve one or more people pissing on another, with the other person bathing in and/or drinking the piss. THIS IS NOT A SAFER SEX ACTIVITY! Just so ya know, kids. It involves breaking a lot of the taboos instilled during potty training, and releasing one's inhibitions. Also it involves humiliation for the bottom. Lots of cool stuff. Another offshoot of this is scat, or shit play. This involves basically the same tenets and reasons as watersports, but is less safe because the organisms present in feces are not healthy for the other systems of the body to ingest or become infected by. Be careful. Enemas are also involved in this end (sorry about the pun, folks) of play. Enemas are the introduction of liquids to the recto-colon and lower intestinal tract for clensing and purging purposes. Many warm liquids can be inserted with an enema hose but two things must be kept in mind. You are introducing foreign items deep into the body, and forcing things quickly can cause extreme cramping or worse, an embolism, so go slowly. Buy yourself a Fleet enema kit and follow the directions carefully as far as quantity and temperature, and you'll get the idea. Also, organisms that aren't part of the natural flora and fauna of the body can severely fuck up your bottom's system, so before shoving honey or wine up there, consider that sugars ferment and your loving bottom could start his/her own brewery up their ass in a few days if you don't flush them out. Final point on enemas, the final results when flushed out do smell. Sorry, but that's the facts, Jack. It's a great technique for preparing for assplay later in the evening, but this particular step is not really pleasant, so bear it in mind. I'm not you, and perhaps shit smell turns you on. Again, I'm not one to judge, only to advise of consequences. If you do want to engage in assplay without the enema, you can by taking a good shit before playing, but enemas do make things squeaky clean. You choose.

On to body modification, or bodmod. This is also NOT A SAFER SEX ACTIVITY! Now then. This can include tattoos, piercing, sewing, cutting, branding, scarring, and minor surgical techniques. This MUST be done with sterile tools in as sterile an environment as possible. The rate for infection can get astronomical really quickly, and the amount of pain involved can be acute and the results PERMANENT so be careful. Buy your equipment from known surgical, piercing, or tattooing companies - trust me, a little looking will yield plenty, and go for quality goods. A barbed or blunt piercing needle is an unpleasant reality. Please, folks, use latex and antiseptics. Please, please, please. And perhaps a good look at Gray's Anatomy or a piercing course is in order. There are lots of tiny circuits in the body that, hit wrong, can cause major damage. I personally had 31 piercings which I took out for personal reasons, 17 tattoos which I love fiercely, and 1 cutting which didn't take because I am a white kid with skin that heals really smoothly. Oh well :) I haven't tried branding personally, and probably won't, but that's my own pain tolerance level. An acquaintance of mine in NYC/Philadelphia has sewn his lips and eyelids shut and inflated his scrotum with saline solution. Not for the faint of heart, but an incredible thing to watch. All I have to say is, Be Careful and Be Clean.

Asphyxiation, or the restriction of oxygen to the brain, can be a wonderful erotic experience, or a BIG mistake. I can't suggest autoasphyxiation to anyone, since if you're passed out, how can you get out of the situation? Tops need to be acutely aware of their bottom's body language, since cutting off oxygen, either by force or chemical inducement usually restricts speech. Cutting off oxygen flow just at the point of orgasm can heighten and prolong the orgasm beautifully. When choking the person manually, be careful to only use the force necessary to restrict the airflow, not to crush the windpipe. Again, that would suck. If you are doing it through closing off a mask, keep in mind you need to be able to remove either the obstruction or the mask quickly in case of an emergency. No tape, okay? If you are using poppers (amyl nitrate), keep in mind that they can be VERY dangerous and that they are replacing the oxygen in the bloodstream, not just removing the source. They can also be very erotic in the burst of euphoria that's released. I'm not advocating drug use, in that if your bottom is being hurt, you won't be able to tell and if you're the bottom you might take a hurting you didn't expect or want. You can use the ball gag with a pinched nose method pretty well, given it's ease of employ. I like the throttling method best for it's power and erotic charge. But that's me, right?

Rope bondage is an intricate art,and works well in old fashioned scenes. As I advised in the safety part of this article, invest in a book of sailor's knots or boy scout knots. Different knots are perfect for all sorts of occasions, and can make the difference in keeping someone secure and just coming unravelled in the middle of a hot scene. Also, a great way to store lengths of rope in a bag is to either braid short lengths onto themselves, hangman's noose wrap them, or, the best way, chain hook them into long, tight pieces. It's the same stitch as crochet ladies do with yarn, just bulkier, and keeps your rope untangled and easily accessable. I still recommend thicker rope, as it won't cut off circulation as easily or quickly.

Fire and Ice is slang for using hot wax, candles, burning cigarettes, or open flame, and ice or cold implements or gels to contrast the flame. Keep in mind that fire can be your friend or your foe. The object of fire and ice games is more about contrast than actually damaging tissues permanently or calling in your local fire department. If you feel doubt about control of your tool, practice first. For instance, if you feel that a candle is producing too much wax for you to control, try blowing out the candle between spills and only using what wax is produced. A handy tip for candle play: Paraffin candles burn at the lowest temperature, and thus hurt the least on skin. After that comes microcrystalline wax, and then beeswax. Beeswax burns some 40-60 degrees Farenheit hotter than paraffin, and will cause a lot more pain. Beware. Fire can be used on any tissue, but wax is easier to control as far as removing a burning item, and cigarettes are most mobile. Trailing a cigarette along the body can produce a red burn trail and singed hair that doesn't hurt later and fades quickly. Fire directly applied doesn't have that bonus. Ice cubes can be kept in a glass purloined from the bar at a club, or in a bowl by the bed. Keep in mind, ice melts, so act quickly, or use lots so at least some can be used. Another fun trick is filling a condom with water partway, tying it off, and sticking it in the freezer. If you turn it regularly while it sets, it will be round, otherwise it ends flat on one side. Whatever you like. In the condom it will be less messy, but less tactile. Outside the condom, it's hard to hold onto, but does amazing things in melting. Also, the dildo shape of it comes in really handy. If you want to use a cooling gel, keep in mind that if it's oil based, it will destroy any latex you're using. Also, gels should be avoided on the genitals since you can't get it off if things get out of control. A nice gel to try is Icy Hot, blown upon. Ahh, the sensation of it! Another neat trick for an advanced player is painting trails of viscous hard alcohol, like a schnapps, on your partner's body, then lighting it. It suliminates quickly to prevent burns, and doesn't roll off onto the sheets or floor. This is dangerous, as not all alcohol burns at the same rate, and I'd test it on a plate or something first. But it's very pretty and Bottom Flambe can be very appealing. As always, use caution.

One of the best ways to get melted wax off a body is with blades. This can be a straight razor (my personal favorite), a switchblade, a scalpel, or any number of bladed weapons. The key is that the implement must be sharp and your hand must be steady. Also, this tends to be a trigger action for a lot of people, so make sure you discuss it first. I find the act of razor sharp blade going over vunerable skin to be more erotic than I can bear. It can be incorporated into a barber/shaving game, a torture game, a cutting (see bodmod section), scraping wax off the tender burned bits, or, another favorite, a genital shaving session. For that, most surgical supply houses carry prep razors. These are extremely sharp razors used for preparing a patient for surgery without the need for water or cream. This of course is optional. Regular razors work well too. As far as straight razors go, I would recommend lathering up a balloon first and shaving it. If you can shave a balloon without popping it, you are ready to move onto skin. It's harder than it looks. When you are shaving someone, try to go with the grain of the hair growth pattern, as it will cause fewer bumps and ingrown hairs later. You'd do best with a Sensitive Skin shaving foam or gel when lathering up the genitals, since they are a mucous membrane tissue. If you are using blades for the dangerous effect of them, just remember that a little force goes a long way, and stabbing someone is a crappy way to end a scene.

This is the section where real money is involved, and you're better off going to a well equipped dungeon. Slings are large body suspension literal slings in which to put a bottom to afford a top of access to everything without the constraints of gravity. This can be both convenient and inconvenient, in that the force which you act upon your bottom is repeated in the motion of the sling, so don't push away too hard or you'll end up on your ass. Also, you can only gain access within the confines of the air space alotted by the rigging which holds the sling up to the ceiling. Flogging is annoying in a sling, but but paddling and fucking are lots of fun. You get used to the motion of the sling very quickly and it can be a great experience, for both bottom and top alike. Crosses are interesting because of the sacreligious nature of the thing, and also because the configurement leaves the bottom splayed quite widely open and very vulnerable. It's ideal for one sided torture and whippings, since access to the bottom's other side is somewhat limited. Another version of a cross is a single parallel bar with eyescrew pegs every few feet. This enables the top to use either rope bondage like a spiderweb, or cuffs while splaying the bottom out completely in a vertical position. All sides of the bottom can be reached, and if the cuffs are slack, the bottom can slump into them, leaning into or out of the flogging. Another piece of equipment that's actually easy to build at home is a torture table. This is a solid table, usually padded in vinyl or leather for cleaning, with large eyescrews mounted along the perimeter every 6 inches or so. This allows for easy restraint to the table, easy bending over it for restraint before a spanking, and a good, wide support for a bottom to lean into. A versatile piece of furniture, to say the least, and easy to put away in case of company. Finally, sawhorses are easy to buy and pad across the top for cleaning and also to protect the ribs or chest of the bottom while they are bent over it. A few eyebolts make for a reasonable restraint system, but I find that it's too lightweight to keep someone down, and not as versatile as the table for multiple uses. However, it's easy to move around, and if your bottom is well trained, they won't dare stand up in the middle of a scene. If they do, I'm sure you know how to handle the situation.

Sensory deprivation involves cutting off and controlling all five senses of sight, sounds, taste, touch and hearing through masks, blinders, gags, hoods or body bags, ear plugs and other devices. Also, this is often combined with oxygen control, as in masks with airtubes/pisstubes. This heightens the perception of every bit of imput that the bottom receives, and makes every sensation stronger. By limiting four senses and allowing one to be free, that one sense will become strong quickly, and the bottom will yearn for that sense to be satisfied. It's an interesting psychological game, since people are generally responsible for processing so much sensory input. I also as a top enjoy the power inherent in controlling everything, every sensation that my bottom feels, and without me, she/he has nothing. Masks and blinders can be made out of common things like scarves or foam ear plugs can be bought, or you can purchase expensive hoods at fetish shops. It's up to you, your aesthetic and your wallet.

Genitorture is a term for genital torture (okay that was an obvious one). This can mean tit clamps, vices, speculums, spreaders or any other device for causing acute pain to the genitals and nipples. The most common of these are tit, or nipple clamps. They come in either screw tightened types, tweezers, spring clamps, alligator clips, or cloverleaf springs, and with or without rubber or foam grips on the ends. They attach to the tissue causing heightened blood flow to the area, which hurts exquisitely when released as well. When purchasing clamps it is best to test the strength of them on the web of skin between your index finger an thumb. Clamps should NEVER crush the tissue, only compress it, however much. Remember that crushed tissue will scar and become damaged tissue, and it's no fun. You can attach a chain or string to the clamps to link them and thus yank on both at once, or you can buy them separately. Clamps can also be weighted to provide an even stronger pull and more blood to the area. They are commonly clamped to the nipples, scrotum, labia or clit. More complicated genitoture impliments, such as ball parachutes, for weighing down the scrotum, or gates of hell, which are 7 cockrings on a fixed rod are focused on men. There are also clit vices, which clamp around the clit and clit hood, ending at the vaginal opening. Cock rings are very common as a stricture for blood flow to the penis, and come in rubber, metal, or a snap off version in leather. They help maintain an erection and can be rather painful if fit too snugly. Shucks. Clamps can be purchased at any hardware store but you should keep in mind that those clamps are designed to press tightly, so unless you find adjustable ones, or you can pry open the spring a little bit, you might be better off just buying the ones at the SM store.

Now on to my favorite subject, Role playing games. Some role playing games are accentuated by elaborate costumes or uniforms. A popular club in NYC allows only uniforms on one specific fetish night. This can be anything from a cop's outfit to a UPS delivery person - whatever. One of the most popular outfits is a military uniform, probably due to the unquestionable authority of a chain of command. Also, it's one of the easiest uniforms to get easily and cheaply - a plus over the cop's uniform. Most any army/navy surplus store will have all the props and uniform pieces you will need to complete your look. If you want a cop uniform, look under uniforms in your local yellow pages. New recruits have to buy their uniforms just like you. The only difference are minor patch details that only real cops can have. The role playing games that are uniform based all have one thing in common: they are all based on the roles played by both the top and bottom in concert. Not only are top and bottom roles understood, but an added element of Cop/Criminal or Drill Sargeant/Private or UPS guy/ naughty housewife are added to the mix. This involves story line and character playing more than props, but still is helped and heightened by the uniform and appropriate props. It's amazing what you can do with a nightstick nowadays!

My personal favorite role playing genre is Daddy/girl or boy games. They involve the fewest props, the most taboo, and lots of imagination. The suspension of disbelief in the fact that you are both adults is not in the imagined idea that one is a child. That is pedophilia thinly disguised. Daddy games are about one person's absolute dependence on the other for all decisions from what they're allowed to wear to how the world reacts to them and what safety the top can provide. I own my little girl or boy absolutely as sure as I own my shoes, but the combination of stern punishment and tender affection appeals to me. I get so much unconditional love from my little girl or boy, that it's worth taking all their responsibility and irritation. Yes, some issues that come into play are incest and pedophilia,but the quality of the game, in the sweetness and innocence of the bottom, are what carry the true weight of it through. Role playing games are the same as all BD/SM, and frankly, all sex. It is an intense outlet for feelings that are completely healthy in consenting adults, that are inapropriate if not criminal if acted out outside of the correct arena. You wouldn't have vanilla sex in the middle of your child's bedroom in the same way you wouldn't grab someone's nipples in the middle of the street and yank. Inappropriate behavior in an inappropriate arena. I'm ranting now. I'll quit it.

In conclusion, my recommendation for those who want to try BD/SM is Go For It. Just remember that, as in all endeavors, common sense, a little light reading and some caution are advised.