Sometimes I wonder 
if it would have been better 
if I'd succeeded that day ten years ago 
suicide on my mind 
almost carried through 

Sure, great things happen
then out comes the carpet 
from under my feet 
the pavement slamming me in the face 
reminding me 
that there's always a down side 
always a grey cloud for every silver lining

Grinding my soul down 
making me weak 
and bitter 
lashing out at those around me 
who love me 

I know that they'll miss me 
but why should I stay? 
the rollercoaster 
keeps getting worse 
and I can't seem to get the hell off 

One day, I'm overjoyed 
happiness 
making me glow from inside
the next, I'm dust 
existing in shadow 
nobody sees 
notices 
or seems to care 

Why can't I just have simple emotions?
everybody else 
seems to have gotten 
plenty of those 
gliding through life 
not fretting the small 
insiginificant things 
that set me off daily 

It is at times like this 
that I contemplate 
what the beyond is like 
but never again 
will I attempt the journey 
before my time 

I've learned my lesson 
it hurts too many people 
and no form of removal 
is guaranteed 

Life as a vegetable 
in case of mistakes 
horrifies me beyond measure 

But that doesn't keep me 
from thinking about it 
from time to time 

I keep trying to be positive 
but it gets harder every time 

It's a sorrow that coats my soul 
and drags me down to mourn 
the loss of control once again 

Some days are better than others 
but it can always get worse

Copyright 1999 by Rogue