5.29.98

The weakening of the grieving process by society lately is really appalling. I'm not saying that the grief process should take months of agony where you lose your job, friends and security, but goddamn it, I should at least be able to grieve in my own time. I should have the right to grieve how I choose, whether it be standing on my head in front of an Organ Grinder playing at Metro Center, or locking myself away from the world so that I can have time to sort things out. I don't plan on sinking into the abyss of depression where nobody could possibly hope to pull me out, but expecting that I'll just "get over it and move on with my life" less then 24 FUCKING HOURS after I've been told that a close friend has passed on is _totally_ unrealistic. I don't care if you've seen NATIONS of fucking people put into the ground in your lifetime, you have no FUCKING right to tell somebody else how they should grieve.

The last thing I want to hear right now, after the loss of a close personal friend, whose companionship I will miss GREATLY over the rest of my life is the weak ass quote "You know, he really wouldn't want you to weep over his passing. He'd want you to pick up, drink a little, and go on man". At the risk of sounding trite, I feel as if there's a piece missing since my friend died. I'm hurt, and I'm confused. Nobody this close to me has died before, and I feel a need to grieve. I have no idea how long this will take, but that's my goddamn perogative. This rant is littered with obscenities only because when I'm this hurt and angry, my mind drops into a lower stage of thinking. I'm not exactly rational right now, but I'm a far fucking cry from picking up a gun and running into a crowded mall, or spiralling into depression and trying to kill myself. I'm coming to terms with my own mortality, and it's just TOO FUCKING BAD if it puts others out. I've been happy to sit by as other friends are grieving, and I've done what I can to ease their loss, and the least I could recieve from those I love is a little support. The only reason I've gone on this ugly tirade is because I recieved the above weak ass quote, in as many words. If your "friends" can't deal with the fact that you're mourning over a tragedy like this, then I guess they're not really "friends" at all, are they?

Part of me guesses that I should be thankful, since I am now very angry, but I'm not. I'm pissed off because it's denying me the inevitable grieving process and I can't grieve through my anger. Hopefully I'll be able to resolve this anger so that I can go through my own pain and loss so that I can help others cope with my friend's death. 

FICTION:

Jhada and Argent || The Model and the Mad Scientist || Gabriel || An Unlikely Pairing || The Worst Porno Story Ever

POETRY:

No Longer Angry || Depression || Run with the Moon || Love is a Virus || BloodDance || Diamanda || Murderer || The Watcher || Confusion || Dream || Romeo is Bleeding || Cribdeath || HoPeLeSs || Soulmate || Darling || Illuminate || Madness || Insecurity || Fear || Angel || The Job || Pathetic || Shard of Hate || Thin || Departure of Friends || Empty Life || Kindred Spirit || Why Bother? || Loss of Control || Lonely Girl || Loss of a Dream || Damaged || Done|| Excision  || Missing You || Jhada|| Hope ||  Reflection ||  History Repeating

TIRADES:

Sucky Movies || Relationships || Marriage || Shortcomings || Parents || Monstrous Brats || Barbie's Newest Trauma || Babies in Trashcans || Religion || Listening || Public Facilities || Choices...|| Grieving || Legalize Prostitution ||  Sports VS Public Service || Y2K || Abortion || To Buffy, or not to Buffy? || Enough with the HATE Already! || Christmas|| Valentine's Day || Love in the 90's || The Big Trenchcoat Freakout || Keeping Up Appearances || Presidential Scourge|| Legislating Safety || Anti-drug commercials || Dating || Annoying Anonymity || America West || The Great Bug Debacle || Smoking || Anthrax, anthrax, anthrax || The USA Patriot Act