I've been thinking...a dangerous activity in and of itself...I hate girlie magazines. Now, by "girlie", I mean crap like Cosmo, where they have these "tests of faithfulness" that you can take to see if "your man" is being true to you, and articles on how to "get your man to stay with you longer"; NOT porn magazines. Porn actually has a functional use, in my opinion. Tripe on navigating through the societal woes that exist in the eyes of somebody that actually has to refer to one of these color fixative butt wipes in order to exist is just empty and annoying. Landfill material, essentially...

Is it any wonder why people are constantly getting into relationships that are completely devoid of meaning? 

Magazines like this would have us all putting on our "happy faces" because "nobody likes a gloomy gus". How shallow... and how false. Just think about it...you've met this really great guy, but you're too shy to introduce yourself as you are because you've got this complex about your weight/hair color/fashion sense/etc. What better way to ensnare a potential mate by lying to them from the get-go? Works like a charm if you're only in it for a one night stand, but if you want something that's not completely superficial, you have to stick a part of your heart out on your sleeve. Because of this, you should probably be pretty picky about who you let near that chunk o' heart, as well. They don't call 'em Ladykillers or Maneaters for nothin', boys and girls...But that isn't to say that all people are bad. Most of the people on the planet are just as scared of what will happen to them in a relationship as you are. They're just not bold or secure enough in themselves to admit it. Suck it up, gird your loins, and take a chance. Sure, you'll get burned...but for that one person that you can be completely honest with, and share everything with, it's worth all the scars you'll collect. 

I myself was swimming in the pool of moist datingness fairly recently. For years I had put myself through a meat grinder of shitty little boys that were passively abusive as hell, and as tender as ground glass on the end of a boxer's glove. There were one or two that really cared about me, and helped me grow, but it took me quite some time to get to them. Because of the two past relationships that were healthy, and pretty open and free, I learned a lot about myself...what I wanted in a mate, and more importantly, what I needed from one. I got pretty acquainted with my tolerances and likes/dislikes. 

Through it all, I've discovered that I'm a night/cat/kinky/'netgeek/musical/agorophobic/nympho person that likes playing RPG's and doing things that are sometimes completely out of my nature and demeanor. I tried for years to pin myself down to one genre, and it never worked, so I finally said "screw it" and decided to do everything on my own terms. For this, I warmly thank both Brian and Dan. They showed me that I had value, and that I could succeed in loving myself just as they did. 

Now that I finally seem to have come upon the person that's been in my dreams since I was a little girl, I find myself in a place that I have no frame of reference for. I'm not used to having somebody that's constantly telling me how wonderful I am, and how much they love me, and really meaning it. It's really wonderful to be entwined with somebody that truly not only accepts you for who you are, but rejoices in it. There's none of the awkward "could you tone it down a little?" feelings that I used to get with other people. It's taken me years to get to the point that I could actually accept this without running away from it at top speed. I not only accept the love I've been given, but I treasure it and return it as much as I possibly can. This doesn't mean that it doesn't scare the hell out of me at times. Letting go of everything and giving yourself to another person is very liberating, but it's also fairly spooky. The trust required is enormous, and I only let people that I trust implicitly get this close to me. He's earned every measure of trust that I've had, and then some. The key to this entire matter is that the TRUTH was ALWAYS THERE. From day one, we told each other EVERYTHING that could possibly throw monkey wrenches into the works, and went from there. It's been extremely gratifying, exciting and it's made me happier than I thought was ever possible, and I honestly wish this feeling on everybody on the planet. Without sounding too sappy, love DOES make the world go 'round, and sneaking up on it with a railgun and a pack of lies isn't gonna work. Truth is sometimes the hurt that happens immediately, but over time, you'll find that it keeps things from festering and boiling over. That, and you don't have to keep track of everything you say for fear that somebody will find out. That's much more stressful...trust me... 
 

FICTION:

Jhada and Argent || The Model and the Mad Scientist || Gabriel || An Unlikely Pairing || The Worst Porno Story Ever

POETRY:

No Longer Angry || Depression || Run with the Moon || Love is a Virus || BloodDance || Diamanda || Murderer || The Watcher || Confusion || Dream || Romeo is Bleeding || Cribdeath || HoPeLeSs || Soulmate || Darling || Illuminate || Madness || Insecurity || Fear || Angel || The Job || Pathetic || Shard of Hate || Thin || Departure of Friends || Empty Life || Kindred Spirit || Why Bother? || Loss of Control || Lonely Girl || Loss of a Dream || Damaged || Done|| Excision  || Missing You || Jhada|| Hope ||  Reflection ||  History Repeating

TIRADES:

Sucky Movies || Relationships || Marriage || Shortcomings || Parents || Monstrous Brats || Barbie's Newest Trauma || Babies in Trashcans || Religion || Listening || Public Facilities || Choices...|| Grieving || Legalize Prostitution ||  Sports VS Public Service || Y2K || Abortion || To Buffy, or not to Buffy? || Enough with the HATE Already! || Christmas|| Valentine's Day || Love in the 90's || The Big Trenchcoat Freakout || Keeping Up Appearances || Presidential Scourge|| Legislating Safety || Anti-drug commercials || Dating || Annoying Anonymity || America West || The Great Bug Debacle || Smoking || Anthrax, anthrax, anthrax || The USA Patriot Act