10.9.97

Lately, I've been of the opinion that I just pick the wrong damn type of people to start relations of a physical/emotional/mental nature with. You know...Going Steady...Wearing somebody's pin...that type of stuff. Pretty revelational, eh? Ok, maybe not...but then, you haven't been through my personal hell. 

(Remember, for all you children out there, H-E-"double toothpicks" is a relative term. We've all gone through our own private little hells. It is at this point in my tantrum throwing that I happen to think mine is more important than yours, for the moment.)

I've gone out with cocaine sniffing skinheads, alcoholic depressives, men who couldn't find the hole in a doughnut if you pointed it out to them, men to whom the clitoris is just one of those great mysteries of life, rarely found...if ever, and men that just plain fucking abuse me mentally until I've almost committed myself. I've had my share of bad relationships, with one or two really special pairings, that of course I had to shit all over because they treated me too nicely, and I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop so that I could sigh with relief saying "thank god, now I know what to expect! He's making me feel like shit...I'm used to this game...Now everything's okay." Which is usually followed closely by "HEY! He's treating ME like SHIT! What am I, chopped liver? He should get down on his knees and thank (insert diety here) that I don't blah, blah, woof, woof...". You know the drill. 

Well, as you'd expect, this doesn't work too well...First of all, it's incredibly self defeating, and second, it's really fucking tiring. I'm so worn out from beating myself with my own bat of "I'm not worthy" that I just fall into a heap and take it from others, for the most part...I'm just tired of the whole thing. I'm thinking of becoming a Benedictine monk and living somewhere off on a deserted island paradise...with ISDN [1]. I'm not completely giving up, you know, but it's always nice to try really hard to convince yourself that you can actually live without companionship. Not that it ever works, dammit. 

Calgon! Take me away! 

[1] 12.22.02- it is at this crucial juncture that I'd like to upgrade this to an OC192 connection. ISDN just won't cut it anymore.
 

FICTION:

Jhada and Argent || The Model and the Mad Scientist || Gabriel || An Unlikely Pairing || The Worst Porno Story Ever

POETRY:

No Longer Angry || Depression || Run with the Moon || Love is a Virus || BloodDance || Diamanda || Murderer || The Watcher || Confusion || Dream || Romeo is Bleeding || Cribdeath || HoPeLeSs || Soulmate || Darling || Illuminate || Madness || Insecurity || Fear || Angel || The Job || Pathetic || Shard of Hate || Thin || Departure of Friends || Empty Life || Kindred Spirit || Why Bother? || Loss of Control || Lonely Girl || Loss of a Dream || Damaged || Done|| Excision  || Missing You || Jhada|| Hope ||  Reflection ||  History Repeating

TIRADES:

Sucky Movies || Relationships || Marriage || Shortcomings || Parents || Monstrous Brats || Barbie's Newest Trauma || Babies in Trashcans || Religion || Listening || Public Facilities || Choices...Grieving || Legalize Prostitution ||  Sports VS Public Service || Y2K || Abortion || To Buffy, or not to Buffy? || Enough with the HATE Already! || Christmas || Valentine's Day || Love in the 90's || The Big Trenchcoat Freakout || Keeping Up Appearances || Presidential Scourge|| Legislating Safety || Anti-drug commercials || Dating || Annoying Anonymity || America West || The Great Bug Debacle || Smoking || Anthrax, anthrax, anthrax || The USA Patriot Act